He’s being profiled right now because he wrote The Last Song for Miley Cyrus. And he granted an interview to USA Today during which he pretty much sucked his own dick. For real.

Nicholas Sparks, the author of such cerebral fare as The Notebook and A Walk to Remember and Nights in Rodanthe, is comparing himself to the greats, those who’ve works have stood the test of time, who are still being read after centuries, who are still shaping our morality and our perspective.

Nicolas Sparks = Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides. Oh wait, and Hemingway too.

This bitch makes Stephenie Meyer tolerable.

Said Sparks:

"There's a difference between drama and melodrama; evoking genuine emotion, or manipulating emotion. It's a very fine eye-of-the-needle to thread. And it's very rare that it works. That's why I tend to dominate this particular genre. There is this fine line. And I do not verge into melodrama. It's all drama. I try to generate authentic emotional power. I write in a genre that was not defined by me. The examples were not set out by me. They were set out 2,000 years ago by Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides. They were called the Greek tragedies. A thriller is supposed to thrill. A horror novel is supposed to scare you. A mystery is supposed to keep you turning the pages, guessing 'whodunit?' A romance novel is supposed to make you escape into a fantasy of romance. What is the purpose of what I do? These are love stories. They went from (Greek tragedies), to Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, then Jane Austen did it, put a new human twist on it. Hemingway did it with A Farewell to Arms. A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That’s what I write. That’s what I write...There are no authors in my genre. No one is doing what I do."

...the f-ck?

Then he goes on to trash Cormac McCarthy, winner of the Pulitzer Prize for The Road:

"(Blood Meridian is) Horrible. This is probably the most pulpy, overwrought, melodramatic cowboy vs. Indians story ever written."

No, motherf-cker, McCarthy doesn’t suck. McCarthy is heavy though. Always. He writes some of the bleakest sh-t ever in the history of bleak. So bleak that you have to numb your brain with tripe from people like...


Nicholas Sparks.

Click here to see the douchiest photo of the ego-tripping Sparks. And you MUST click here to read the full USA Today interview during which he pompously ruminates on a number of different issues, and repeatedly cuts Miley off... and achieves the impossible: because he’s so farking annoying, you actually want to HEAR HER TALK MORE.