Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston in Office Christmas Party

Sarah Posted by Sarah at December 13, 2016 17:31:19 December 13, 2016 17:31:19

On the heels of Bad Santa 2 comes Office Christmas Party, another sub-par Christmas “comedy” in which actors play characters that are more like guesses about what real people are like than representations of actual human people. But besides being a Christmas movie this is also an office comedy that seems to have been entirely by people who have never set foot in a real office. Some of the funniest people working in film today, including Kate McKinnon, Vanessa Bayer, TJ Miller, Rob Corddry, Jillian Bell, Matt Walsh, Randall Park, and Jason Bateman are in Office Christmas Party, as well as Olivia Munn who is a better actress than she is given credit for but isn’t nearly as funny as she thinks she is, and Jennifer Aniston who gets upstaged at her own schtick by Actual Funny Person Jillian Bell.

It’s Christmas and everyone is about to lose their jobs! This is the premise of Office Christmas Party. TJ Miller is the boss of a fake tech company called Zenotek and he’s run his branch into the ground so his big sister Jennifer Aniston is there to shut him down, even though it’s Christmas and everyone is depending on their holiday bonuses. This movie is equal parts It’s A Wonderful Life, Christmas Vacation, and the depressing reality of corporate America. Also at Zenotek is Jason Bateman and Olivia Munn, as the super attractive IT people engaged in mutual crushes. Both of them look equally ridiculous spouting tech babble at each other. Also, I can’t remember any of these people’s names.

Here’s how unfunny Office Christmas Party is: Not even the bloopers shown during the credits are funny. I honestly don’t know how you take this many funny people and put them in a movie together and come out with something this unfunny but Office Christmas Party manages to render even Kate McKinnon and Jillian Bell only kind of funny. Do you know how hard you have to work to make either one of them not completely hilarious? You have to be the Michael Jordan of f*cking up to make both of them not completely hilarious. Also, this is the ninety-second comedy to include Matt Walsh (Veep), in a one-off scene that isn’t funny. GIVE MATT WALSH A REAL PART. He’s a comedy machine—cast him as the failing boss. TJ Miller is best as comedy cool whip on your hilarity pie, but Matt Walsh can be the filling and the crust. (What kind of pie is this, I don’t even know.)

But I think my biggest problem with Office Christmas Party, though, is that it expects me to believe that Jennifer Aniston knows what Cinnabon is. Jennifer Aniston doesn’t know what Cinnabon is and if you tried to explain it to her she would stop you before you could finish and walk away. She has no need of Cinnabon.

Cinnabon is for when your plane is delayed for five hours and you need to disconnect but you can’t take drugs because you threw them all away before security so you eat a Cinnabon instead and fall into a sugar coma that will last approximately one hundred minutes. Cinnabon is for exhausted parents who want to get back at their screaming children so they eat something sugary in front of them while making Dane and Drusilla eat the sliced apple cup from McDonald’s. Cinnabon is like the Room of Requirement at the airport—it only appears when you’re at the end of your rope and looking to roll the dice with whether or not you’re going to have a heart attack mid-flight after playing a round of cinnamon roulette. Cinnabon is a cry for help. Yet I’m expected to believe that Jennifer Aniston knows what a Cinnabon is, let alone would ever willingly eat a Cinnabon. This movie is bullsh*t.

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