Page Six reported yesterday that Tom Cruise is moving to Clearwater, Florida. Apparently Scientology is big in Clearwater and he’s been unloading properly in LA and has purchased a 20,000 square foot penthouse in Clearwater with a private rooftop pool and a 9 car garage for only $3 million. I mean it when I say “only” $3 million too. Because you can’t get a house a quarter of that size in Vancouver or Toronto for less than $2 million. As Mimi would say, it’s abusive.

Anyway, sources tell Page Six that Tom’s relocating to Clearwater because he might think that “he can receive the most effective and professional counseling in Clearwater — which he thinks will make him a more powerful person and get him closer to being part of a super race.” The “super race” training takes place at the Scientology “Super Power Building” two blocks from his home. Seriously. That’s what it’s called? The Super Power Building? This is what kills me. Is that like where the Avengers hang out? I would have had a hard time not laughing if someone invited me to the Super Power Building. Their vocabulary is ridiculous! These are the kinds of words you use when you’re a kid playing games with your friends in the basement. And that’s what makes it so funny and I know, I know this is not funny because so many people have been hurt by the church, I know, and it’s terrible. But is it also OK to say that I don’t understand how anyone can keep a straight face? Tom Cruise is moving to Clearwater to be closer to the Super Power Building so that he can train to be part of a super race… and, what? Put on a cape and reverse time??? Right now, there are real people having real meetings over in that Super Power Building about this very thing and none of them are joking. Imagine yourself at that meeting, talking about how Tom Cruise is on his way for more super powers practice. Today we’re going to work on Tom’s levitation and mindreading. He needs to be able to do both at the same time. Tomorrow we’ll have to set up targets for his laser eyes. WTFFFF???