Dear Gossips,

On the To Do List this weekend: buy a new golf shirt, play golf, see Maleficent, screen The Morning Show, and read Dear Girls: Intimate Tales, Untold Secrets & Advice for Living Your Best Life, Ali Wong’s new book.

The conceit here is that she’s writing to her two daughters but there’s one lesson that she calls “the most important lesson” that needs to be shared everywhere: how to choose a good Asian restaurant. This is basically a Public Service Announcement – because so many celebrities have f-cked this up, celebrities who have no business telling people how to choose a good Asian restaurant. Like Gwyneth Paltrow!

I was apoplectic a couple of years ago when goop published “Dim Sum for Dummies” and told people to order one or two items at a time at dim sum so that you don’t eat too fast, which was the first sign that whoever wrote this didn’t know what the f-ck they were talking about because the last thing you want to do is go to a Chinese restaurant during peak dim sum hours and ask the staff to double or triple the amount of work they have to do because you’re the asshole who’s there to “experience” it the goop way. There is no goop way of experiencing dim sum. There’s only dim sum one way, where you order in a flurry and try not to piss off the servers. Unless you’re my ma and you order in a flurry and get pissed off at the servers because they didn’t give you 10% off the tea service and shout at them until they apply the discount, even though it doesn’t say anywhere that anyone deserves a 10% discount. But this is advanced Chinese-ness and nobody who reads goop is going to have the skill level to be able to perform this critical dim sum manoeuver that only aunties and grandmas can pull off. Let me be supremely Chinese here and direct you to my post about goop’s bullsh-t dim sum tips so that you can protect yourselves from acting a fool at dim sum, God. READ IT

Ali Wong gets it though, of course she does. Vulture published an excerpt from her book that includes an accurate chart with the signs you must look out for when deciding which Asian restaurant to go to. It is, as expected, hilarious. Like in the “Chinese” section, one of the “bad signs” for choosing a Chinese restaurant is:

“The waitstaff asks you ‘how’s everything going?’ and says nice things like ‘Thank you’, ‘Nice to see you’, or ‘Did you leave room for dessert?’” 

First of all, LOLOLOLOL. And second… exactly. If you walk into a Chinese restaurant and they say “nice to see you” instead of barking “HOW MANY?” at you, you should reconsider your life choices. 

As for Ali’s Japanese restaurant tips, here’s the “bad sign” that had me screaming:

“Drake eats there.”


Ali Wong’s Dear Girls was released this week. Click here for more information. 

Have a great weekend!

Yours in gossip,