So, you’ve just come out of a messy breakup and you’re wondering how you’re going to survive afterward. Don’t worry! Ariana Grande is here to help you make it through. If you’ve been paying attention, Ariana has been carefully crafting a foolproof, step-by-step, get-over-your-breakup guide in the form of her music and videos. She just dropped the latest step, her “7 Rings” video, last night. If you follow what she says, you’ll learn how to go from one engagement ring to seven in no time.

Step 1: The Relationship
Song: “pete davidson” 
If you’re still at the point of salvaging a relationship, Ari has some tips for you. First, make sure to get engaged faster than milk can spoil. To really seal the deal, get like a trillion matching tattoos and adopt a pig together. If none of that seems to be working, you can always write a song about him and add it to your album. The song doesn’t have to be that long, even if he is. I of course kid (and Ari, I’m sorry for the reality check, but that was a little embarrassing). 

Step 2: The Break-Up
Song: “Imagine” 
I bet the breakup with Ariana and Pete was difficult. Breakups are tough, especially when your ex is a comedian who jokes about it on live television. Breakups can also bring out the worst in us, and Ari shows us this darker side in her song “Imagine.”
In it, she describes the perfect moments of a relationship, (either with Pete or Mac Miller, the jury’s still out) but cuts the sentiment with a chorus of “imagine a world like that.” “Imagine” is about denial. It’s where you think you can salvage something out of the relationship, and where you hope that this is just a spat that will work itself out in the future. Instead, you just end up wallowing. Cue the Ben and Jerry’s. (Important side note: the best flavour is Cherry Garcia. This is not up for discussion.)

Step 3: Moving On
Song: “thank u, next” 
All that wallowing does provide some time for self-reflection. It’s where you learn to separate the positives and negatives of the relationship, of all relationships, and focus on what you learned from each one. One might teach you love, one might teach you patience, and another might teach you pain. These are just examples off the top of my head. However, it’s also important to Marie Kondo your love life. Just like with things you no longer need, you thank them for their service and put them in the “I don’t want you” pile. (For the guys you do keep in your life, where’s their “spot” in the house? Everything has to have a spot.) 

Step 4: Treat yo’ Self
Song: “7 Rings”
Just like KonMari cleans the house, “Kon-Ari” cleans the soul. Now it’s time to celebrate. In “7 Rings,” retail therapy is the name of the game and a way to show your ex how well you’re doing right now. The video is drenched in pink costumes and neon and light and filled with her sisters and best friends. The title and theme of the song come from one of Ariana’s particularly sh-tty days. Tipsy from the complimentary champagne at Tiffany, she ends up buying 7 engagement rings for her closest friends to cheer herself up. 

On the surface, “7 Rings” is all about flaunting your wealth, buying whatever you want, and living it up with your closest friends. But rather unsubtly, Ariana is also telling the world how well she is doing, and how, excuse the cliché, she don’t need no man. There isn’t a single man in sight in “7 Rings”, and Ari is just surrounded by her friends and her exorbitant wealth. The lyrics match this, saying that while she “should be a sad bitch,” her sh-tty experiences have “turned [her] to a savage.” And while she might even wear rings, she “ain’t gon’ be no Mrs.” (Sidenote: Can anyone tell me why she’s on top of a futuristic kitchen counter in the video? I don’t get it. She’s gorgeous, but why is she in a kitchen? Why is she on the counter? Anyone?)

I’m not sure if I’m reading into this too much, but there’s a scene where she’s lying down with long Rapunzel-esque hair and singing “Whoever said money can’t solve your problems/Must not have had enough money to solve ‘em.” To me, that’s a clear “I don’t need a man to save me, I can save my self” moment, and one that encapsulates the entire feel of the song. 

There it is, an easy four step guide to breakup recovery. What will the next step be? Selfishly, as someone who cannot afford to buy one engagement ring, let alone seven, I could use some advice on how to lock down a man for good. 


Lainey: you’ve just read about how Prem sees Ariana’s “7 Rings”. For me though, because my husband put it into my head this morning, all I’m thinking about now is Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet. Prem is too young to know about this but Will used to do take his Robert Goulet thing on Conan now and again. And one year he did this: