Cardi B isn't having it

Over the weekend, Cardi B’s fans once again got a front row seat to the drama unfolding between her and Offset as they navigate their latest separation. On Saturday night, she did an Instagram live and provided a timeline of conception after Offset claimed she cheated while she was pregnant with their youngest daughter, born a few weeks ago in early September.

This is nothing new for Cardi B, who, in recent weeks, has been putting in overtime to stop her name from being dragged through the mud and to make sure it’s crystal clear that Offset was the one who cheated and the reason she is walking away from this marriage. But even without Cardi B keeping her fans in the loop, Offset’s behaviour would likely have pushed fans to arrive at that conclusion on their own anyway.

Last week, he joined one of her Instagram lives as an audience member, at one point making it clear just how vile, toxic and disgusting he really is, saying the following: 

This backfired for him, though. Because it prompted a really iconic clapback from Cardi, which came in the form of her posting a recent text exchange the pair shared, where she is clearly shutting down his attempts to get her back, contradicting the very picture he was trying to paint. 

 

Within his comment, though, there’s one particular line that stands out, and it’s at the end where he states that he’s coming out on top, claiming victory because she’s his “baby mom”. And that because of that, he won. 

If I hadn’t taken as many women’s studies courses as I did in university, if I hadn’t been able to recognize his disturbing pattern of behaviour throughout the course of their relationship for what it was, and if I hadn’t become a mother myself around the same age that Cardi B did, I’d likely mistake this for a compliment. I might look at this as a form of flattery – as his way of expressing pride in the mother he chose for his children.

But instead, what we’re looking at is a deeply misogynistic but widely-shared sentiment among men. And the sentiment is that women are less valuable after becoming mothers. That women have more difficulty finding a partner who is not the father of their child than men do with women who aren’t the mother of theirs, and as a result of all of this, that in any separation, a woman who has birthed children with their partner or husband will never have the upper hand in the way a man will.

The only thing more disgusting than the actual remark itself and his intention behind it is the fact that in some aspects, he’s absolutely right. There are a lot of spaces that place a lesser value on women after they have become mothers, and even while they’re in the process of becoming mothers. Those places range from the workplace to the home and extend into dating. 

It's been more than 40 years since the Pregnancy Discrimination Act was passed, to help protect women experiencing discrimination while carrying children, namely in the workplace, where companies weren’t willing to risk hiring a woman who might end up on maternity leave shortly after being hired. But despite the law being in place, between 1997 and 2011, there was a 50% increase in the amount of pregnancy discrimination charges filed, as this Forbes piece points out.

Pregnancy discrimination absolutely bleeds into other spaces, even in our homes. Because homes, like workplaces, function on the division of labour. In fact, part of the reason Offset is so triggered is because he is accusing Cardi B of cheating on him while she was pregnant, despite it looking very likely that he was the one that cheated on Cardi while she was carrying his child, prompting her fans to question the double standard. 

Even in dating, Offset is onto something. As a single mother that once frequented dating apps, I’ve often found men who have made it clear that despite having a child or children themselves, they are apprehensive about dating a mother. I once confronted one of my Hinge matches about the double standard. His response was something along the lines of wanting to be the “only man” in the picture, despite me obviously being single. The fragility and insecurity that match expressed to me in his response is precisely the place Offset is coming from.

Despite there being some truth to what he said, what he got wrong is that he “won”. For the entire duration of their relationship, Cardi has always been more successful. She’s always made more money, her music has reached further, and as a result, she’s snagged better brand deals and more coverage from the press. There is one superstar in their relationship and it’s her. He, on the other hand, benefitted from her celebrity because of his proximity to her. So it gives Cardi’s theory, which she also shared in an Instagram Live last week, some legs, that she was “too much woman, too much of a boss bitch” for him and so he felt the need to compensate by sleeping with other women.

At the core of all this is Offset’s need for control. And that’s something we see in a lot of celebrity splits. Whether it’s a need to control the narrative, a need to control the money, a need to control how time is spent, or a need to control the kids. When it comes to celebrities who have endless resources to keep the battle going, it’s a dangerous game to play. And sadly, it happens a lot when the women in the relationship are successful and attractive.

Earlier this year, I chronicled the collapse of Keke Palmer and Darius Jackson’s relationship. The tipping point for their split? Darius trying to publicly humiliate Keke over her outfit choice to an Usher concert, suggesting that because she was a mother, her outfit was too sexy, too revealing, too inappropriate. 

And look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Though their ongoing eight year court battle is more private than the other couples we’ve discussed, the latest developments, like this most recent one in which Angelina dropped the FBI lawsuit over the alleged incident in 2016 on the plane, often makes headlines. There appears to be a deliberate attempt to maintain some sort of element of control over Angelina in drawing the process out for so long, long enough that Shiloh reached the age to take legal action to remove Pitt’s last name. 

What Offset is expressing is an inherent belief that far too many men hold about the diminishing value of a woman based on her motherhood. Men who uphold this belief seem to not only believe that women are worth less when they become moms, but that their own value increases the more children they have. For instance, Offset entered into his marriage with Cardi with three children with three different women, and she still accepted him and his brood without making the kind of public comments about his “value” that he is making about her now that she has three kids of her own. 

There was also something very deliberate about Offset referring to Cardi as his “bm”, or ”baby mother”, when she was, in fact, his wife. He married her. To downplay the fact that he legally bound himself to her is childish, immature and an attempt to make her feel less-than, which is precisely what she’s made him feel by blowing every single accomplishment of his out of the water with her own success. 

The last time I covered Cardi and Offset’s separation, Cardi admitted that she puts out her best work when she’s single. And in the days and weeks after giving birth, she immediately got right back to work, serving looks in Paris, jamming to her own chart-topping hits in the club, and enjoying her life in the way only a woman leaving a narcissist can. I’m hoping she realizes that the taste of sweetness in the life she’s lived without him these last few weeks tops the bitterness of being with a man that always envied her.