David Ellison raising the offer for Warner Bros. Discovery is giving off toxic ex vibes

Dear Gossips,

I have been sick this week with some kind of stomach bug which is probably just my skeleton trying to escape its flesh prison, but that just means I had more time for the Olympics—yay Team USA women’s hockey! But also yay Team Canada! I wish everyone could win gold! And yay Alysa Liu! And yay Nazgul the ski dog!—and scrolling. Not quite doom scrolling, because I am trying really hard to limit my info diet so that I don’t crash the f-ck out every damn day, but I did see some stuff about the ongoing Warner Bros. Discovery sale, and Paramount Skydance’s continuing hostile takeover effort. So let’s talk about what the billionaires are up to. Nothing good!

David Ellison, in his quest to get a kiss from daddy, has once again raised the offer for Warner Bros. Discovery, which is in the middle of trying to be acquired by Netflix. This is giving off real “toxic ex” vibes, and I know these people do not give one flying fig about us normals, but I wonder if they realize how f-cking lame they look to the rest of us. Oh! I will keep throwing money at the people who don’t want me! THEN they will want me! Movies in the Eighties made hostile takeovers seem kind of sexy and thrilling and someone was usually having an affair during negotiations, but reality in the 2020s is that it’s a billionaire nepo baby who always looks kind of wet piling up cash until a company that wasn’t ever actually for sale finally notices him.

ANYWAY, Ellison & Co. have “verbally” offered $31 per share for WBD, which is NOT their final offer. Warners responded by allowing Paramount Skydance one week to negotiate a “best and final offer”, while still encouraging their shareholders to back the Netflix deal, upon which the shareholders will vote on March 20. Netflix, meanwhile, has very “go on your little dates” energy about the whole thing, because I’m not sure this was ever really about closing a deal to merge with WBD, so much as tying up one of their top competitors in the streaming space for an indeterminate amount of time.

Like, sure, Netflix wouldn’t MIND having a full-fledged production facility and distribution company, but they kind of win either way. Either they successfully acquire WBD and massively expand their business, OR they f-ck with a top competitor for a while, creating instability in the market that benefits Netflix. Who wants to make a deal with Warners/HBO right now, when you’re not even sure that company will exist in twelve months? It just encourages people to make deals with Netflix instead! Or Apple. They have been eerily silent, like a velociraptor waiting for just the right moment to strike. Clever girl.

Variety reports that workers at Warners have come around on the Netflix deal, but this is a real “sh-t v diarrhea” scenario. Both options are bad, but at least Netflix is a functioning business not beholden to the whims of a damp trustafarian. Also, and I cannot stress this enough, Paramount is not healthy, everyone knows that, there is a very real chance that Paramount Skydance merging with WBD would torpedo both studios.

Netflix would undoubtedly change the way Warners does business—including lowering the theatrical distribution window to forty-five days—but with them, at least some version of Warner Bros. survives. That is not a guarantee with Paramount Skydance. Do not forget that Disney was strong going into the Fox merger, but that was the business equivalent of taking a hockey stick to the knee and they’re still limping from the hit seven years later. Never mind what Paramount ownership over the network that airs Last Week Tonight with John Oliver might do to that pillar of actual factual journalism. We’ve seen what Ellison’s leadership (“leadership”) has done to CBS News, 60 Minutes, and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. You KNOW John Oliver would be on the chopping block with Ellison in charge. I kind of think Ellison’s determination to acquire WBD is really about getting Oliver off the air and f-cking up CNN even more than it already is.

Also, US senate democrats are “demanding” answers from Ellison regarding his interactions with Trump during this hostile takeover, accusing him of a “pattern of evasion”. This will accomplish nothing, but I am not really sold on Ellison’s claim that a Paramount takeover will experience smooth sailing through the Trump administration’s approval process. Trump is too volatile, bigger fools have been made of better men trying to guess what Trump will do on any given day. Warner Bros. merging (again) with anyone remains a bad thing for everyone except rich people, ideally, none of this would happen. But everything happening in America right now is not ideal.

The only good thing is Nazgul the Ski Dog. He’s doing the best.