Earlier this week, we saw a behind-the-scenes teaser of the upcoming Cats movie, and I had but one question: What is Cats? Then, yesterday, the first full trailer was released, and now I have a LOT of questions based on this trailer. My scientific inquiry into “What is Cats?” is taking shape. I know the questions I must answer to truly understand Cats. They are:

Is it supposed to look like this? Is this the actual goal? Is this…what people want? This is an entire movie featuring the human-faced cat from What We Do in the Shadows.

Do the filmmakers know what cats look like? I get that we’re not going for photo-realism here, but the white cat’s tail comes directly out of her butt, and the girl cats have BOOBS, but no cat has genitalia. This is VERY confusing. Why give the cats boobs at all? Are they worried we won’t be able to tell the girl cats from the boy cats? If these cats are supposed to be sexless, WHY do the girl cats have BOOBS? 

ARE these cats supposed to be sexless? A couple of the cats look like they f-ck. The Idris Elba cat and the Jason Derulo cat almost aren’t complete nightmares to look at. Secondary line of inquiry: Is it possible to destroy the hotness of Idris Elba and Jason Derulo?

Why do some cats wear coats? And what are the coats made of? Are they made from the hides of murdered cats? Is Judi Dench wearing the fur of her victims? 


T.S. Eliot?! This is based on the Book of Practical Cats? I just thought Andrew Lloyd Webber did a spectacular amount of coke in the Eighties! 

Is there a happy medium between the expressionless realism of The Lion King and this surrealistic nightmare of human faces and “digital fur technology”? If so, can they find it in time to FIX THIS SH-T?

Is Cats even real? Or is this a mass delusion? Are we all being Incepted right now? This cannot possibly have been one of the longest running shows in Broadway history.

What the f-ck is wrong with people that this is one of the longest running shows in Broadway history?

Seriously though, why didn’t they just dress people up in cat suits and face paint? It cannot possibly have looked any worse than this. 

What the F-CK is Cats?

Oh did you think Midsommar is the most frightening movie of the year?

Is Cats secretly genius? This trailer is pure nightmare fuel but everyone seems really excited to see Cats. It is working?!

I have already performed one small experiment. By showing my cat the trailer for Cats, I was able to determine what happens when a cat sees Cats. My conclusion is that they will hide out of shame and/or fear. I will have more experiments to perform before December, mainly “How many times can I watch this trailer before losing my ever-loving mind?”. I will continue to investigate “What is Cats?” with the utmost scientific rigor and only a modicum of existential horror. I am starting to suspect Cats is an elaborate plan to extract the souls from our bodies. We shall see.