Zayn and Gigi break up

Usually when breakup announcements are sent out in my office, there’s a collective, audible gasp. When my co-worker sent out the e-mail that Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik broke up yesterday, there was no gasp. My friend Brian, who sits behind me, was the only one who reacted with feigned horror and an, “aww, I really liked them together!” I liked them together too but this is not a surprise. Zayn is 25. Gigi is 22. They are not Duggers. A breakup was inevitable. 

Maybe my coworkers and I are just out of the demo that is gasping at news that these two stupidly attractive human beings in their twenties couldn’t make it work but to me, the most surprising thing about this relationship and its dissolution is how drama-free it has been. Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik have consciously uncoupled, according to their loving and supporting corresponding announcements.

Here’s Zayn’s statement. 

 

Minutes later, Gigi tweeted her own “breakup statement.” 

Sigh. Young Hollywood just doesn’t break up like they used to. Where are the theatrics? Even Selena and Justin are being low key and relatively scandal-free (for them) during their 100th breakup. At least Zayn and Gigi were kind enough to give us statements to dissect. I want to go back to Zayn’s “we wish this news could have come from us first.” 

The news first came from The Sun reporting that they broke up earlier this month. We’re 14 days into March. If we’re going off of that timeline, it’s fresh. These statements seem carefully crafted, almost like they had them on standby. My smutty tingles, as Lainey would say, went off when I saw a tweet that Zayn unfollowed Gigi and her mom, Yolanda, on Instagram. 

The follow/unfollow game may seem juvenile but it hasn’t let me down yet. The Sun’s exclusive was posted just before Zayn unfollowed Gigi and her mom, adding legitimacy to the report. You know it’s legit when that unfollow button gets hit. Put that on a t-shirt. 

As for Gigi’s statement, the last line is what stood out to me. 

“As for the future, whatever’s meant to be will always be.” 

That leaves the door open for reconciliation, doesn’t it? I won’t be surprised if Zayn and Gigi turn into one of those couples who just can’t quit each other. For now, they are broken up and I’m not sad about it. Zayn and Gigi don’t seem that sad about it either. Not every breakup needs to be miserable and melodramatic. Maybe they’re just two young people who decided that after two years, it was time to move on. 

IF I’m being a sh-t disturber though, and I love to disturb sh-t, I’m going to point you in the direction of something that is probably, most likely absolutely nothing… but maybe it’s something? 

Did she set a thirst trap? 

On to a more serious and pressing question: what’s Zayn going to do with that tattoo on his chest of Gigi’s eyes? A tattoo of your significant other is ALWAYS a bad idea, kids. Always.