Yesterday, Lainey wrote about Jake Gyllenhaal filming his first scripted TV series—as a leading actor and not just a kid guest starring in a case of the week—and mentioned a trailer for Jake G’s new movie with Guy Ritchie was imminent. Well, it’s here now, and it’s called The Covenant. No, not the 2006 camp classic The Covenant starring Taylor Kitsch, Chace Crawford, and Sebastian Stan, this The Covenant is about an Army guy who is rescued by his Afghan interpreter, and then wants to go back and return the favor by saving the interpreter. It looks fine, I guess.
War movie Ritchie is not my favorite Guy Ritchie. His last film, Wrath of Man, turned out to be not quite what I was expecting, so I won’t be surprised if there is more going on in The Covenant than the trailer makes it seem, but at least going by this trailer, it looks like Ritchie doing his best Michael Bay impression. Some people will be into that, it couldn’t be me.
My favorite Guy Ritchie is any movie with Jason Statham (so basically, late 1990s/early 2000s Ritchie + Wrath of Man). They are a match made in heaven. Can we trade The Covenant for Operation Fortune? That movie was due out in early 2022, but was held back after Russia invaded Ukraine, as the film depicts Ukrainian gangsters as the bad guys, and everyone thought it would be a bad idea to feed the propaganda machine at the time, which was the right call. But then distributor STX hit the skids, and now Operation Fortune is in limbo. I would so much rather see the fun crime caper with The Stath, Aubrey Plaza, and Josh Hartnett in cinematic himbo mode (he played SUCH a good himbo in Lucky Number Slevin).
Is my lack of interest in The Covenant also, perhaps, influenced by Jake G insulting Road House? YES. OF COURSE, IT IS. He’s starring in the totally unnecessary remake AND he revealed he does not understand the pure spirit of Road House. TWO CRIMES HAVE BEEN COMMITTED. He’s on thin f-cking ice.