Holy sh-t, what a weekend it was in celebrity gossip. It started with a classic Friday gossip dump: Reese Witherspoon announcing that she and Jim Toth are divorcing, which is what celebrities used to do before social media in the hopes that doing it just before the weekend would lessen the attention and impact, as everyone is focused on getting out of the office. But the Friday strategy isn’t actually why her story got buried. Turns out there were so many other celebrities, real and fictional, inadvertently coming forward to help her out by stepping into the spotlight themselves so now, three days later, Reese is nowhere near the front page.
Let’s start with television because the main event on TV was the fourth and final season premiere of Succession. The Roys are back – as horrible and as miserable and as funny as ever with Roman’s quips, the return of the culture’s best romance, who now call themselves Disgusting Brothers, coming soon to a streaming service near you, and Logan dropping a “c-nt” in the first half hour, which is a good sign of what’s to come over the next nine episodes.
But the best scene of the first episode of season four came near the end of the hour. This is the scene that will undoubtedly be submitted for Emmys contention for both Sarah Snook and Matthew Macfadyen and serving notice to all challengers that this is the standard they have to meet or exceed. Those four minutes represent the power of Succession. The key to Succession isn’t what happens in the boardroom, on those phone calls when they’re negotiating over billions or the absurdity of who’s going to text whom first… but in the quietly devastating moments, the moments that ground the story, that highlight both the humanity and the inhumanity of these terrible people who only know how to love each other transactionally. And even when presented with an opportunity to try to be honest, and vulnerable, they’re incapable of anything but resistance. After all, in Shiv’s case, she learned it from her father: it’s better to run than to feel. In Tom’s case, what he’s learned is that hurting them is the only feeling they respond to. In that sense, Succession has already succeeded. This is their family legacy.
And still, as compelling as the show is, there’s another one about rich assholes that’s giving Succession a run for its money starring none other than Gwyneth Paltrow. This courtroom dramedy is a f-cking banger. GP is undoubtedly the star, with her Jeffrey Dahmer glasses, her patronising voice, her haughty facial expressions, but the supporting cast is also bringing it. Watching GP on the witness stand on Friday was…well… a livestream for the ages.
GWYNETH PALTROW AND TAYLOR SWIFT THIS IS CINEMA pic.twitter.com/mCn03sjouE— Sabbâ¸†â¸‰ðŸ¥€á—¢ (@theronsswift) March 24, 2023
I screamed when the lawyer in the background, near the end there, goes “ask her about Oprah, I mean…”
This exchange was also f-cking wild.
This Gwyneth Paltrow testimony is like an SNL skit. pic.twitter.com/7wBMtZqHO5— Amee Vanderpool (@girlsreallyrule) March 25, 2023
That, by the way, is the plaintiff’s lawyer. And GP is not the plaintiff.
GP on the stand keeps giving and giving. So many memes, so many new catchphrases, and now a pop culture classic: “Well I lost half a day of skiing”.
this entire Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial was written by Mike White pic.twitter.com/awkZyM5b1i— T (@trinawatters) March 25, 2023
Exactly. Like if there was any doubt about where Mike White gets his inspiration. And maybe another blonde for the gays to try to murder:
gwyneth paltrow ski trial is true crime yassified for gay men pic.twitter.com/2j22FmzBOY— alex (@alex_abads) March 24, 2023
And there is no doubt that Hollywood is obsessively watching this mess.
Half the traffic today will probably be from Hollywood while the rest of us try to move our meetings around so that we can be locked in today.
Yours in gossip,