Jeannie Mai’s evolution

The messy divorce between former talk show host Jeannie Mai and rapper Jeezy is making headlines again. But unlike in the past, where we’ve seen the public shun Jeannie, Jeezy is the one mostly being villainized this time around. It’s all thanks to clips from a recent conversation he had with pastor T.D. Jakes’ on his podcast NXT Chapter making the rounds online. 

The pair had a lengthy discussion spanning topics like childhood, mental health, Jeezy’s battle with Bell’s Palsy, his mother’s dementia diagnosis, grief and, of course, his split from Jeannie, who he assures everyone he was a ‘good husband’ to, despite them ultimately divorcing. When asked what he learned from the experience, he had this to say:

“I learned a lot about myself…I learned about my preferences for things, the type of space that I need, the type of moments that I need to decompress about certain things, and this just unselfish nature,” and,“I was selfish in my prior life. And I think just going forward in life, it just taught me how to give someone else grace and actually listen to understand rather than just to listen to reply.”

Uh, sounds like if you’re just learning that stuff at this point in your life you may not have been as good of a husband as you said you were. 

One of the interesting things about the topic of their divorce resurfacing is the shift in Jeannie’s public perception we’ve seen happen over the years. When it was announced the two were dating, people were quick to pull up past problematic remarks Jeannie had made about Black men in a 2014 episode of The Real. During a discussion on the panel about dating habits, Jeannie had this to say about her racial preference in dating:

"Love Black guys. But for me, dark meat on the side, white meat keeps me lean and mean. That's what I like…I'm saying, I really do think black men are attractive. I do.”

When one of her cohosts (and a majority of the audience) took what she was saying to mean that she wanted her main man, who at the time, was actor and professional hunter Freddie Harteis, to be white, but her ‘side piece’ to be Black, she took another stab at explaining, saying: 

"What I meant is I used to date Black men. I think they're attractive. But what I decided to stick to is…it just kept me happiest…was my man Freddie, who happens to be white." 

There are a number of reasons this didn’t sit well with people – as it was happening, in the days and weeks after the episode aired and particularly when news of her relationship with Jeezy started making headlines. 

For one, the oversexualization of Black men (and Black women) has been happening for ages. This article does a pretty good job of summarizing the massive discourse about the hypersexualization of Black men, and this Reddit thread shares heartbreaking stories of anecdotal experiences Black men have had being hypersexualized. And Jeannie, knowingly or unknowingly, contributed to this harmful and widespread pattern with the remarks she made that day by reducing Black men to meat.

That’s why it’s so interesting to see how much people have warmed up to her over the years. What she said was a pretty big deal and people rightfully took issue with it. But years later, it appears there’s been a complete shift in her public perception. We went from seeing very unkind comments on social media to the idea of her ‘main dish’ now being a meme since her marriage to Jeezy didn’t work out.

This week, when she shared this sweet clip of her and her daughter, people flooded the comment sections with niceties and expressed their happiness for her. And despite how touching it all is – the clip and the uplifting remarks, I can’t help but wonder what it means that only after becoming a mother did she earn the respect and well wishes of people who weren’t initially a fan of hers or were put off by her remarks.

My first theory is that people have just watched her life story unfold for long enough that in our minds, we became a part of it. Through watching her, we realized that she, like us, is human. And so we’ve learned how to empathize and sympathize with her, despite her past transgressions. The resounding verdict seems to be that she took more accountability for the collapse of the marriage than he ever has. And not necessarily because she’s at fault but because she’s more reflective. Is that what’s making it easier to connect to her?

Shortly before Jeezy’s conversation with T.D. Jakes, Jeannie posted a very raw and unfiltered video to YouTube, describing her adjustment to life as a divorcee.

“As a divorcee, you’re always seeing people say what are the things that warn you before a divorce happens are. The one thing I can tell you is that nobody tells you that it’s both earth-shattering and a wake-up call. It’s because the life that you pictured disappears and the future you actually need starts calling out to you.”

Are these the kind of reflections that make it easier for people to connect to her?

Or, perhaps the reason so many people are rallying behind her now because we share with her the experience of a collapsed marriage or relationship to a man who a lot of people are accusing of being a narcissist, especially after his appearance on the podcast. Enduring that kind of trauma can be bonding and validating, even if the validation is coming from people you haven’t necessarily met. 

As a mother myself, I can, though with embarrassment, admit that I have often looked at childless women with a small sense of wonder over the freedom they must have, the ability to just pick up and go without having to arrange childcare, snacks and transportation. This makes me wonder - were the women who initially turning their noses up at her relationship with Jeezy projecting? Had we seen a beautiful woman who had managed to leave a fairly long marriage with the promise she made to herself to not have children in tact? Were we reflecting on what our own lives might look like had we not had a child tethering us to a man – one that we might love or hate? Were we just jealous that she hadn’t fallen for the same thing we all did – the beautiful, but very chaotic mess that is motherhood? 

And when she finally found herself in the same situation that so many of us have, a single parent with an annoying and self-involved ex, maybe our guards came down a little. Her likeability factor increased. She didn’t remind us so much of the women we could’ve been had we foregone motherhood and reminded us more of us.

In my eyes, all of these things can be true at once. What she said was deplorable – and it ended up being hypocritical. But in the same way she changed her mind about motherhood and about dating Black men, to the point that she married one, people can also change their minds about how they feel about her. We can witness someone’s journey and someone’s growth and decide that we support them after all. 

I think at its core the point is that Jeannie could have gone on being liked or unliked in the eye of the public – but one thing changed that. And it wasn’t necessarily her divorce. It was her entry into motherhood. And while some people might think that’s lovely, I think that carries very dangerous implications because it suggests that moms and divorcees can’t relate or empathize with unmarried and childless women. Those women are not any less worthy of connection because of their circumstances and life choices – and neither are married women or mothers. Because what are the odds that married men with children are shunning unmarried men? Or men without children? 

As far as we say we’ve come in society and as much choice as we assume women have, whether or not one becomes a mother still carries so much weight in how women are perceived and how they’re treated. And it goes beyond that. It’s reflected in how much they earn, in what jobs they are favoured for, in how far up the corporate ladder they can climb and as we’ve seen recently, balancing parenthood with a career leaves women vulnerable in the eyes of a family court that now has to evaluate how suitable you might be to be a parent. Until we can guarantee that women, childless or not, are all treated equally in the different spaces we move through in our lives no matter what our families look like, there will always be more work to do.