It’s me, hi, I’m the Halloween Grinch, it’s me.
Welcome to one of my least favourite days of the year. The best part of Halloween, for me, is that it’s the last day of this ugly season and tomorrow people will (hopefully) start picking up the skeleton parts and severed hands and gross sh-t strewn about their lawns and hanging from their windows and our neighbourhoods won’t look like haunted houses anymore. As I have said many times, I don’t f-ck with scary sh-t, so the fact that I’m getting spooked every time I step out of my house contributes to my disgust for this time of year.
Anyway, on a related note, if you’ve been reading this site over the years, you may recall me saying that I have never seen Hocus Pocus. I understand that for a certain generation this is a beloved Halloween movie. I do not belong to this generation and Hocus Pocus, to me, is unwatchable, I’ve never made it past the opening credits, as hard as our site manager, Emily, has tried to encourage me. She’s been trying for over a decade. Yesterday Emily was vindicated – and she’s learning about it right now, as she’s reading this before she posts it.
It was yesterday ago that my rejection of Hocus Pocus cost me professionally, which means that it happened on camera. I was humiliated on television, in a broadcast studio, because of my refusal to watch that goddamn movie.
What happened was that I was interviewing Lilly Singh, the host of Battle of the Generations (airing Tuesdays on CTV). For those who are unfamiliar, Battle of the Generations is a pop culture trivia show featuring four contestants each episode representing Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z. I f-cking love trivia games. And a pop culture game? This is my whole sh-t. So here’s me, talking big and bad, about how I would crush on Battle of the Generations, and then Lilly’s like, oh yeah? Fine. Let me give you a question right now.
Bring it, I said.
And wouldn’t you f-cking know…. the question was about Hocus Pocus.
Don’t ask me to tell you what the question was. Something something about the name of a boy something something. None of the words meant anything to me. Because, again, I have never seen the f-cking movie. And that dreadful movie has now made me a FOOL!
Happy Halloween, I guess.
Yours in gossip,
(Note from Emily: Amok! Amok! Amok! Amok! Amok!)