These are the Men of Thirst. And by thirst, I mean our thirst, not theirs. They were all well moisturised and properly hydrated – and making the internet thirsty because of it. These men, these beautiful, beautiful men, each of them popular on social media. 


We’ll start with generational daddy, Pedro Pascal who showed up in an arm sling after sustaining a fall. IN A TURTLENECK, black with printed white knots, and this is why he’s inspired all this devotion. Imagine having a broken arm, and still being this committed to the look that you are willing to wrangle your injured limb into one of fashion’s trickiest items? Getting into a turtleneck can be a workout, even when all your bones are intact! And here he is, so f-cking accommating, because he knew that TikTok would be waiting. We serve a benevolent king. 

Pedro Pascal arrives at the 81st Annual Golden Globe Awards at The Beverly Hilton on January 07, 2024 in Beverly Hills, California

As if that wasn’t enough though, Pedro was then seen sitting next to Andrew Scott. This is pornography. 


But then Andrew, in all white, with Jonathan Bailey, also in all white. 

Andrew Scott and Jonathan Bailey attend Netflix's 2024 Golden Globe After Party at Spago on January 07, 2024 in Beverly Hills, California

How is Jonathan Bailey even possible? He is so attractive it puts me in distress – look at this man!

But, but, but, but… look at this other man!


Colman Domingo, sir, what you are doing is irresponsible, showing up on carpet after carpet with this much drip, how do you expect us to survive this? 

Or… THIS!?

I have watched that video of Charles Melton and unhealthy amount of times. It is not good for my lungs to have to work that hard to breathe. But how else am I supposed to react when this man is out here cocking his eyebrows like that after already posing me into a puddle for over ten seconds? It’s TOO MUCH. 


And then too much became obscene when this happened: 

Barry Keoghan and Charles Melton attend Netflix's 2024 Golden Globe After Party at Spago on January 07, 2024 in Beverly Hills, California

Charles Melton and Barry Keoghan are, on their own, already a problem for me. But together? In the same space? Side by side? It was too hazardous to even request of the Gossip Genie because of the irreparable damage it would inflict on my productivity. What the f-ck am I supposed to do with myself now?