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In the upcoming issue of Harper"s Bazaar, the world"s most fashionable manorexic has weighed in on celebrity - Lagerfeld Lessons that you best heed before he bitchbeats you with his fan. On Jessica Simpson: Ecch. I"m not that impressed. I"m not that interested. I"m not that impressed. Lagerfeld Lesson #1: Curvy southern bimbos with big breasts and soft knees made for c*cks are so not chic. Partly because they have no style, but mostly because they actually eat a little bit, and anyone who eats will be bitchbeaten with my fan. On Lindsay Lohan: She"s somebody you want to protect, because she plays dangerously with her own life. She behaves like an over grown up person, and that"s what I like about her. It"s like she"s 45, but in fact, she"s 20." On Kate Moss: Girls have wanted to look like Kate Moss since she was an emaciated 15 year old. Kate Moss has a lot of courage in the way she throws her life away in a very dangerous way, but that makes her so touching." Lagerfeld Lesson #2: Copy Kate Moss, drugs good, starving good, bad men good, and if you can"t manage that, please don"t wear Chanel, or I will bitchbeat you with my fan. On Angelina Jolie: Stunningly beautiful. She has the kind of mouth other people pay to get. Lagerfeld Lesson #3: Don"t f&ck with Angelina Jolie or she will bitchbeat you with my fan

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