Dear Gossips,

I don’t watch The Bachelorette. Have never seen a single episode. But I’m going to try to write about The Bachelorette today. Or write about how people write about The Bachelorette. Because I got up this morning and it’s been post after post all over the internet, all kinds of articles about The Bachelorette. Which, I guess, is nothing new, as Kathleen mentioned last week, but this season it’s gone next level because, from what I can understand, Rachel Lindsay is awesome and some of the assholes who want to marry her are awesomely stupid – like DeMario who just got busted last night for ghosting a woman right before he joined the show. And then the woman, Lexi, actually showed up and dumped a brick of receipts on his ass. I know this because, again, it’s every headline everywhere.

But the first headline I read? The first headline was what sucked me into my morning of The Bachelorette. Because it was a column for The Hollywood Reporter about The Bachelorette written by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Who not only watches The Bachelorette but also appeared on last night’s episode, WHAT? Kareem takes The Bachelorette pretty seriously and writes about The Bachelorette pretty seriously – how the show has, in the past, underserved people of colour, how it perpetuates “romance porn” that can lead to unrealistic expectations about love and relationships, etc. But then Kareem started talking to me about tank tops, and which dudes were wearing them on the show, and what it meant if a dude was wearing a tank top instead of a t-shirt and I’m like, OK Kareem, which douchebag was wearing the tank top because obviously you’re judging. Unfortunately Kareem, who wants what’s best for Rachel, decides to be objective, which means I had to move on to the next Bachelorette article lined up in my feed and that was PEOPLE’s recap of the show that included a poem written by one of the suitors (is that what we call them?) and read to Rachel that goes like this:

Your beautiful brown eyes and your gorgeous smile are just the tip of all you entail. I look forward to this adventure with you to continue for a very long while.

After that I headed over to Variety for another take on the episode which apparently involved one of the men spiking a baby doll into the ground like a football? And then this gold:

As the segment goes on, Rachel isn’t particularly convincing that she’s excited by her company, or even … know who they are. 

The “company” is Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. And given that Rachel Lindsay had no f-cks to give about how famous they are, well, I don’t know Rachel Lindsay but I think I love Rachel Lindsay.

And finally, the best Rachel Lindsay Bachelorette episode two recap of them all – Ali Barthwell’s for Vulture and a glorious paragraph that begins with a warning for the “cute white ladies”. I might never watch The Bachelorette. Because all I want to do is keep READING about The Bachelorette.

Yours in gossip,