Mariah Carey performed at the American Music Awards last night for the first time since 2008. I feel like I’m in tune with our butterfly’s moods. My butterfly mood tuner last night was telling me she was nervous. The song was “With You”. I don’t love the single. And…well…I didn’t love the vocals. I’m not sure anyone’s vocals were super solid last night but where Mimi is concerned, vocals are what set her apart. Because, um, you know, it’s not like she’s known for choreography…

Although maybe the choreo was the point last night with her standing on that platform, in that huge dress that undulated and folded into itself and her dancers, creating a blooming mirrored effect that made for, sure, some interesting visuals. But that’s the kind of thing you see at a spa, in the waiting room, kind of in the background as a soother before you get called in for your massage. It’s meant to be enjoyed in an ephemeral kind of way; you don’t really have to pay attention. And that’s never the goal here, not at an award show. 

This isn’t to say, however, that I wasn’t living for what I was seeing, which was Mimi’s amazing ability to not move, not at all, below the breasts. Her hands are waving around here and there along with the notes, but nothing, I mean nothing, wavers from the tits down. One leg remains in front of the other, locked at the knee, the same distance from the other leg. Her hips don’t swivel, there is no turning, there is no bending, it’s like she’s been frozen, literally frozen, some sort of temporary injectable immobliser that makes it so that half her body is a statue for the duration of the performance, and maybe that’s why she doesn’t cramp? Because all I could think about is that I would be cramping, my muscles seizing, and it’s a testament to her fortitude and sacrifice, you know? This is what she gives us. This is how she suffers for us. 

Another question: how did they get her up there? In my mind, I imagine a forklift that catches her in between the “tines”, raises her onto the platform, and gently deposits her onto her spot. You remember that special dolly that wheels her from here to there as her makeup artists and hair stylists run alongside her with their brushes and spray cans? It has to be a custom situation. Mimi, actually, is an inventor. I bet you could patent these ideas.