Earlier this week, Cosmopolitan released its August 2019 cover featuring none other than our rainbow butterfly Mariah Carey. Most of the headlines about the article are related to what she says about her lovers – and we’ll get to that – but I just want to spend some time talking about this profile and how it’s … well… it’s like all Mimi profiles, because she keeps giving the same interview over and over again. And this is not a complaint, not at all. It’s actually an observation related to her brand. 

As we all know, Mimi doesn’t celebrate birthdays. I mean, she celebrates, of course she does. She would never not celebrate herself. But she doesn’t AGE herself. Mimi refuses to talk about her age, which is why she refuses to call it a “birthday”. Which is why whenever there’s a profile about her, whenever she’s talking about herself in the media, what we end up getting is an introductory-style profile about a legend. It’s fascinating. 

This piece lists all of Mimi’s accomplishments over her, um, near 30 year career, but it also reads like we’re meeting her for the first time. Here’s an example:

Mariah grew up on Long Island, outside New York City. She talks about herself as a biracial girl—a mix of African-American, Venezuelan, and Irish—with divorced parents and financial challenges. At the time, “people didn’t understand who I was, what I was, my ethnicity, the fact that we didn’t have money.”

At this point…do we really need to know this? Don’t we already know this? And this?

As a teen, Mariah waitressed to make ends meet and spent most of her free time writing songs. After putting a demo tape together, she managed to get it in the hands of Sony Music boss Tommy Mottola. The titan of the industry—he worked with Michael Jackson and Celine Dion—took a very young Mariah under his very powerful wing. Their relationship quickly turned romantic, despite a 20-year age difference, and the two married soon after her self-titled debut album became the best-selling record of 1991. 

This is basic Mariah Carey 101. She holds all kinds of Billboard records for number one songs and records sold and awards won and we’re still talking about Mimi at the beginning…almost like she wants to keep us at the beginning, that she wants us to honour her for all her achievements while thinking of her as still a young woman who’s still on the come-up. 

This is amazing. Her commitment to this is amazing. Her shade is amazing. And, naturally, there’s some of that in this interview. 

On the subject of writing: “A lot of artists say they write, but they don’t really write. No offense to anybody. That’s just what I’ve seen.”

On style: “A lot of girls are just nude in front of everybody. No offense to them.”

“A lot of girls are just nude”… WHAT IS SHE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! Have you ever seen Mimi without her titty-balls (as Michael K at Dlisted calls them) smashed up in your face? She’s constantly reclined in some kind of negligee. Because in addition to her commitment to not aging, Mimi has always been committed to being sexual, or convincing you that she’s sexual. Mimi does all the things that a textbook would suggest is sexual, from the way she poses to the way she giggles to the way she shimmies to the way she breathes. What’s hilarious about this is that despite her best efforts, it’s not actually all that believable. I can’t picture Mimi having sex, can you? 

Oh but wait, that would be because she says she’s a prude. This is another one of her greatest hits, the things she’s been saying over and over again since… forever. Here’s a selection:

-Mimi did 500 hours of beauty school
-Mimi is a beauty school dropout 
-Mimi really suffered during her pregnancy
-Mimi can count the number of people she’s had sex with on one hand

That last quote is the one that’s been making headlines all week. That she’s only had 5 lovers, telling Cosmo: 

“I haven’t had that many, but there has been a variety pack. I’ve only been with five people in my life, so I’m kind of a prude, honestly, compared to most others in the field.”

She’s been saying this since at least 2005 when Eminem claimed that they’d had an affair. See what I mean? It’s like she’s frozen herself in time and somehow she’s convinced us of the same because even though nothing she says is ever new, we act like it’s the first time she’s said it! This is sorcery. We have all been magicked. You want more magic? 

Mimi performed last night at FEQ in Quebec. It was raining. How is her hair still dry?