No. Nope. NO. This is not happening. 14-year-olds do not need to release breakup statements on social media. This is not going to become a trend. NOPE. Not on my watch. The breakup of a 14-year-old is not newsworthy, even if that 14-year-old is famous. Celebrity breakup statements are Good for Gossip and we are in the business of gossip but there is a line. Millie Bobby Brown has shown us that line. 


That’s the statement from Millie Bobby Brown’s Instagram about her breakup with some kid from Vine (RIP) named Jacob Sartorius. He put out a matching statement on his account. He’s 15. She’s 14. They are CHILDREN. Listen, I don’t think you need to be going through a divorce in order for a breakup statement to be relevant, but I do think you need to at least be the legal drinking age. 

What's fascinating about the concept of child actors is that I can always feel gross in new and different ways. 

Duana wrote that line when Millie Bobby Brown’s dad was going all Dina Lohan on her career. I think it sums up what’s off-putting about these statements. It just feels gross. I love young love. I’m obsessed with watching fictional teenagers fall in and out of love on television. This is different. It feels gross because of what we know about Millie Bobby Brown and the ways in which she’s been forced to grow up too fast. She’s already had to cancel appearances due to “exhaustion". Now she’s feels like the public is owed some sort of explanation as to why she and her boyfriend of seven months are no longer frolicking on beaches together. 


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Kids shouldn’t have to explain their breakups. They broke up because that’s what 14-year-olds do. Once child stars start feeling like their relationships are part of their brand or their “work,” then there’s really no escaping that work, is there? Millie Bobby Brown supports her whole family.  Each of her family members play a role in her career. Does this all feel extra gross because now Millie’s personal life is just another thing to profit off of? When does Millie get a break? 

Or is the point that in the era of social media, no one gets a break? Our relationships are all online. Everyone knows everyone else’s business. Millie’s fans knew she was dating this kid so maybe they expected a statement. Maybe I’m just getting too old for this sh-t but I think it’s too early for Millie to be succumbing to fan pressure about anything involving her personal life, even if her generation grew up online.

I didn’t start really dating until I was 20 (that could be why I love living vicariously through fake teen drama) but I do know what it’s like to think you are in love at 14. It’s intense. It’s the most important thing in the world. I’m sure that Millie Bobby Brown’s first big adolescent heartbreak will be something she will always remember. I just wish her heartbreak didn’t have to come with a Conscious Uncoupling for Kids declaration, complete with an emoji in case we forgot what year it is and how ridiculous this all is.