Game of Thrones’ final season begins in April 2019, as told to us by the first official teaser which tells us NOTHING. This is NOTHING. It’s not even foreplay, it’s a cute person maybe smiling at you but you’re not quite sure because they didn’t actually make eye contact and now you’re going to spend all night trying to decide if they were flirting or having a mini-stroke. This barely even counts as a teaser, it’s more like a teaser for the teaser.

What can we deduce from this blue-balling video? Well, there is ice. And it’s spreading! And there is fire. It’s a whole inferno! Is it a clue? Is it a reference to “Burn them all”? Will the Lannisters all die in a fire? IS THIS A SIGN? Or is it just fifty-four seconds of moving images set to music and thrown to us like scraps to a starving dog? HBO is just toying with us, stringing us along to see how long we’ll put up with it before we snap and storm their office, demanding an actual trailer. Seriously, though, what are the odds we actually get a real trailer for season eight? Thrones doesn’t need advertising. They can just tell us the start date and show us some Lannister figurines on fire and call it a day. (Marvel could do the same for Avengers 4—just release a montage of the Avengers’ symbols set to “Dust in the Wind”.) I would like to see a real trailer because I want to know if the other dragons will be okay—I assume all of the people will die—but if we have to settle for teasers that don’t show us any actual show footage, then FINE. I will settle for NOTHING. Let’s be honest, we’re all watching anyway.

Attached - Maisie Williams at Comic Con in Sao Paulo yesterday.