Tom Ford Best Boozer: Harrison Ford The man was bombed! And this should not come as a shocker to longtime readers of this column. Still, the fact that he brought his cocktail up on stage with him cracked me up. Pathetic and sad? Yes. Highly amusing? Yes as well. Just as long as they don’t By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Gwyneth Paltrow Most Avant-garde: Gwyneth Paltrow You are welcome to accuse me of being biased but in a sea of ordinary, safe, ho hum dresses, my idol showed up tonight and set another standard. Very few actresses can pull off this kind of creativity. Nicole Kidman yes. Naomi Watts, too. And Charlize, when she yanks the By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Reese Witherspoon Most Disappointing: Reese Witherspoon I think I might have heard something about vintage Chanel. Whatever it was, it sucked. Didn’t work for me. I suspect it didn’t work for many of you either. And her acceptance speech was forgettable at best. I was however quite entertained by the rare and very outward By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Nymphadora Tonks Best Sexy Beast: Adrien Brody I know he’s not the most empirically attractive fellow. But something about the way this man carries himself, something about the way he saunters across a stage, something about his mysterious drawl ignites a yearning in me that I cannot ignore. I imagine a blindfold and candles, the distant By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Pamela Anderson Worst Canadian: Pamela Anderson At first, I was impressed. Her breasts weren’t in danger of attacking anyone and her snatch seemed to be safely tucked away. It’s all good…right? And then I got a closer look. Which is when I discovered that her ladies are so big she needed a hammock By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Hilary Swank Best Back: Hilary Swank I hated her Oscar dress. You remember it? Low, low at the back, and completely covered up at the front? It was a violation of feng shui principles. Lack of balance, lack of flow, lack of unity between the elements. You might call it bullsh*t but look at what By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Elton John Worst Hair Male: Joaquin Phoenix OK. So he didn’t look his best tonight. But the poor thing was felled by the flu last week…can you blame him?? Honestly though, I don’t know what was up with the hair. Even I could scarcely summon a spark in my loins. Still…when Reese won By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Jay Z Worst Colour: Zhang Ziyi Look – I don’t mean to bag on my people all the time. And perhaps on anyone else, this dress might have escaped my scorn. But something about the way she wore it and the way she wanted it turned me off. It was too loud. It was too contrived. By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Halle Berry Best Colour: Michelle Williams I can tell you’ll rag on me for this but let me explain. Some women are made for super high glamour. Like Nicole Kidman. And Catherine Zeta. And Halle Berry too. Some don’t suit it. They are simply not fashionistas. For this select group of women, it’s By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Mariah Carey Best Jammed at the Seams – Mariah Carey Apparently that raging bulimic queen Karl Lagerfeld designed this for her himself. You could have fooled me. Or maybe it’s because on Mimi, the most precious of frocks can be reduced in a split second to a tarty piece of prom night confection. Still… how can anyone resist Mariah? By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Penelope Cruz Worst Hair Female: Penelope Cruz It’s not that I’m not a big fan of big hair. I love big hair. Having flat hair myself, I covet big hair. But big hair only works with a certain face. And unfortunately, Pene doesn’t have that face. She looks like a duck, her head is By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Ryan Reynolds Worst breasts – Alanis Morrissette There were so many things wrong with Alanis tonight I just don’t know where to start. Never mind the blonde hair. It’s the least of our concerns. I prefer to focus instead on why she can’t find a proper stylist. A stylist who understands the importance of By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Scarlett Johansson Best Red – Scarlet Johansson Well hello ScarJo! I didn’t particularly love the hair, but let’s be honest, y’all. Were you really looking at her hair? On an evening when almost every actress was competing for best bony clavicle, how refreshing was it when Scarlett showed up all tits and ass and By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Eva Longoria Worst Makeup – Eva Longoria Did I enjoy writing that? You bet your boob job I did. Eva Longoria arrived on the red carpet expecting people to fall all over themselves and anoint her as the one to beat. Unfortunately, she grossly miscalculated. First – the ghetto weave. That thing was barely a step up from By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Keira Knightley Most Boring – Keira Knightley Sure, the dress itself was lovely. And she looked decent enough, even with those sadistic eyebrows and her concrete jaw. But frankly, I didn’t care. I looked at her and I felt … nothing. No strong emotions against it. No strong emotions for it. And at the end of the By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
Colin Firth Best Couple – Emma Thompson & Colin Firth No, they’re not together. But they should be. And if Emma Thompson asked me to shave her armpits, I think I would do it. I love her that much. These 2 were a riot on the red carpet, and Ms. T herself was a total gem as a presenter. By Lainey • Jan 16, 2006 07:00 am
