Well I’m definitely not conflicted about writing about this one. This f-cking joker…

Prince Andrew, the beneficiary of all the drama between House Cambridge and House Sussex last week, is trying to capitalise on his nephews’ bad press by going back to the “fat fingers defence”, like somehow people are more sympathetic to him than they were two weeks ago. According to the Sunday Times, Andrew has “hired forensic experts” to prove that the photo of him with his arm around Virginia Roberts Giuffre, taken when she was just 17, is a “stitch-up”, meaning that they think it was doctored to make it look like he was there but, really, he wasn’t. 

Just recap, even though you know all this, but it’s always helpful to keep in mind what all this is about – Prince Andrew is under scrutiny for his relationship with dead rapist pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Virginia has maintained that Epstein sex trafficked her to Prince Andrew and that this happened at least three times at Epstein’s various properties around the world. Andrew denies this. Virginia and her legal team are like, sure, then let’s talk. Sit down for a deposition. Andrew does not want to be deposed.

Instead of making himself available for a conversation with investigators, Andrew and his friends have enlisted the help of “forensic experts” to prove that Virginia is a liar who had the technical resources way back in 2001 to doctor a photo that was SO f-cking convincing that the “US Justice Department and the FBI both believe” that it’s legit. Celebrities still can’t photoshop properly in 2019 – and Team Andrew is trying to convince us that back in 2001, Virginia Roberts had access to the kind of digital body contouring that not even the Kardashians have perfected now?! Team Andrew, in addition to pointing out Andrew’s fat fingers, again, is calling into question the height of Virginia in the photo in comparison to his – he’s 6 ft all and she’s 5 ft 3 and it doesn’t look like it in the picture…because apparently Andrew and his dumbass crisis team have never heard of heeled shoes. 

But this isn’t the only photo they’re discrediting. You remember that shot of Prince Andrew walking in Central Park alongside Jeffrey Epstein in 2010, AFTER Epstein served a prison sentence for solicitation of underage prostitution and became a Registered Sex Offender? Andrew’s people can’t pull the “doctoring” excuse on that shot so instead they’ve come up with another excuse: it was a set-up –Epstein set up the photos on purpose and lured Andrew to the park to have them taken which…

OK but what did he lure him with? Did he put a gun to his head and order him to go to the park together or was he already staying here, in his New York mansion, answering the goddamn door while a parade of young women was seen coming and going? And getting foot massages by Russian girls?!? Seriously?!? 

Yes, seriously. 

They’re going with the “Andrew is innocent, he got duped” defence. Which adds another layer of crazy on to this mess because if this is the new strategy, it basically amounts to telling us that:


Prince Andrew is STUPID. 

Prince Andrew is not a rapist, he is simply a FOOL. 

A Royal Dumdum. 

Dear everyone, please know that the only thing His Royal Highness Prince Andrew, The Duke of York, is guilty of is being a f-cking moron. 


And you let that moron serve as the UK’s trade envoy for how long? Because, um, if that’s the case, we might need to open up another investigation about his trade deals and how much his idiocy cost the British taxpayers. 

Is this not embarrassing? Like…the MOST embarrassing?

Prince Andrew’s defence is based on his fat fingers and his own stupidity – so where are the goddamn think-pieces and op-eds in the Daily Mail and the Sun and the Mirror about how this is THE biggest blight on the royal family right now?! Still waiting…