The Forensics on Prince Andrew’s Fat Fingers

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 29, 2019 13:42:33 August 29, 2019 13:42:33

After Virginia Giuffre dropped the YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID on Prince Andrew outside a New York City courthouse this week, we saw yesterday the new angle he and his team appear to be taking in his defence. Sources close to Andrew told the Evening Standard that they’ve always doubted the legitimacy of the photo that shows Andrew with his arm around Virginia and alleged madam Ghislaine Maxwell in the background because Andrew has “chubby fingers” and the fingers of the man in the photo aren’t all that chubby? 

This is so embarrassing in so many ways. Why is Prince Andrew’s crisis management so f-cking amateur hour? And how desperate do you have to be to use the Fat Finger Defence?!?!

Amazingly the Daily Mail actually published an op-ed yesterday by Janet Street-Porter about how his “shame will last a lifetime”. Not surprisingly, that piece wasn’t given prime position on their website so it hasn’t generated much attention. However, the Daily Mail did also post an article that CSI-ed the now notorious photo of Andrew and Virginia, studying the difference in height between the two (the Team Andrew’s defence strategy is that image “doesn’t look right”, from the fingers to how tall they are to the clothes that are being worn). 

Right. Because when you defend yourself by calling the photo a fake, people are going to study the photo, making the photo an even bigger deal than it originally was, dumbass! According to the Daily Mail’s forensics, the outfit that Andrew is wearing in the picture with Virginia is an outfit he wore often during that time. They also analyse where the picture was taken, like down to the windows in the mews house where Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein used to hang out. And, of course, there’s some discussion about the size of his fingers and how “chubby” they really are. 

So, again, we have come to this. For all the talk about how proper this family is, how they’re expected to uphold a certain dignity, the fat-or-not fingers of the Queen’s beloved second son is now a tabloid headline. While having to deliberate whether to prorogue Parliament, the Queen and her team are also dealing with the headlines about her child’s fleshy hands. 

Should we talk about those chubby fingers then? 

The photo of Prince Andrew and Virginia Giuffre was taken in 2001. Here are some shots of Andrew’s fingers in 2001. 

Check out Andrew proving that royals can’t pull off a construction hat. His fingers aren’t slender. I wouldn’t say they’re the chunkiest fingers I’ve ever seen. 

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Here’s Andrew with tanned fingers. One of things his sources are pointing out in the photo of Andrew with Virginia are that the hands are a reddish tone and that’s not what Andrew’s hands look like. Well they look kinda red here…because he has a tan. 

andrew-three-29aug19.jpg

Did he get his tan while on holiday with Jeffrey Epstein on Pedophile Island? What? No! Prince Andrew is innocent! 

Fine. Let’s go back to studying his hands. Here’s Prince Andrew clapping with his hands in New York City. I mean, maybe they’re a little chubby? Not chubby enough to make me stop all like, holy sh-t, that prince has big ass fingers! But, sure, on the sliding scale of finger girth, he lands more on the juicy end than on the bony one. To me, though, the most remarkable thing about his fingers is that they haven’t had to do much hard work. That said, the hands aren’t what anyone is paying attention to in this shot, not even him. 

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Let’s take one more look at Prince Andrew’s fingers before we wrap this up. 

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And here are the male fingers from the picture of Andrew and Virginia Giuffre:

andrew-finger-29aug19.JPG

Those look to me like the same fingers. Like those fingers in the Virginia Giuffre photo aren’t skinny either. 

Have we had a good silly time? The key word here is SILLY. As in a joke. It’s a f-cking JOKE. Prince Andrew’s people, the ones popping off about how his chubby fingers have turned him into a bigger joke. They’ve put him in a position where his goddamn fat fingers are a topic of discussion. Maybe HE put himself in a position where his fat fingers are a discussion topic. 

This is what happens when you can’t come up with a better explanation than “I have fat fingers” therefore I didn’t rape a 17 year old. Fool. 

Photos:
Paul Faith/ PA Images/ David LEFRANC/ Mario Tama/ DOUG KANTER/ AFP/ George De Sota/ Getty Images

Tags: Royals , Top Reads
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