A few people messaged me over the weekend asking why I wasn’t covering the “royal wedding”. Ummm… WHAT ROYAL WEDDING? If I sound like a c-nt it’s because I am one. Pippa Middleton is not royal. Pippa Middleton is royal-adjacent. Can we please stop declaring that she’s worth wasting a weekend over?

There are two reasons why Pippa’s wedding became a thing, eventually. First, because we found out Meghan Markle would be attending with Prince Harry. In the days leading up to Pippa’s wedding, most of the headlines were about Meghan and Harry, and not about the person who was actually getting married. And then, at the actual wedding, the person who ended up taking over the headlines was the person who always demands that the headlines belong to him: Prince Big G. After all, this will be his kingdom. And no one does MINE better than he does.

So of course he had a tantrum. At one point, while leaving church after the ceremony, Big G could be seen having a suck attack. Some people think it’s because he decided to stomp all over his aunt’s wedding dress which resulted in a scolding from his ma.

Maybe what Big G was actually objecting to was his outfit? Those child outfits are exactly what a royal-adjacent would choose for a wannabe royal wedding. But it’s Princess Kate’s outfit that most of you have been writing about. It’s Alexander McQueen. It was a governess’s dress. Which is kinda what she was doing? Minding the children? I’m not mad at it. No, it wasn’t stylish. Yes it was unflattering, particularly around the chest. But also? Better that than the being the one who shows up on the day all, I AM A PRINCESS, THE FUTURE QUEEN OF ENGLAND. Which sets up the next post, on Meghan Markle.