Hello, it is I, Real Science Person Doing Real Science, here to tell you in highly scientific fashion who are the hottest people on The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Tests were carried out in the strictest laboratory conditions, aided by my faithful lab assistant, Midnight Wine. This is a difficult task because as we all know, the Marvel Cinematic Universe is peopled almost exclusively by super hotties, like even the villains can get it, and the background extras, and for sure all of the stunt people, so forming any kind of organized list is difficult. The data resists organization! It’s all hot chaos! But with Midnight Wine by my side, I persevered and completed my highly scientific investigation, and now I bring you this, the definitive ranking of the hottest people on The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. 

 

John “Bargain Bin Cap” Walker

If we were ranking characters on who needs therapy, John Walker would be #1, no question, but that is not what we’re here to do, we’re here to determine the hottest person on The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and that will never be John “I murder people in cold blood” Walker. Though he is, technically, formed of matter derived from legendary hotties Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, John Walker can walk his Malt-O-Meal ass right off this list because NOBODY LIKES HIM. 

Ranking: That guy in the group project who contributes absolutely nothing.

 

Lemar “Battlestar” Hoskins

Ah, Lemar, we hardly knew ye. There is a whole category of hot people on FATWS who have negligible screen time and the ill-fated Battlestar leads that list. He is objectively a good-looking dude, but he gets points deduced for questionable taste in friends and for drastically misreading John Walker’s capability and potential to do harm. I really don’t see a difference between Hoskins pumping up Walker to keep Captaining after failing repeatedly at it, and Joe telling Al he’s not at fault for murdering Cassie in Promising Young Woman. Same energy between the bros. 

Ranking: Gone too soon.

Flag Smasher #1

She is SUPER cute with her freckles and Robin Hood thing, but for the life of me, I CANNOT remember her name and Sam and Bucky say it at least ten times every episode. This is a case of the show’s bad writing actively reducing the hotness of a main character by making her so uneven and unmemorable. Also, she has murdered several people, including Battlestar, so there’s that.

Ranking: DQ’ed due to murder.

 

 

Leah

Let’s be honest, Leah is too good for Bucky. She seems to have come through the turbulence and grief of the blip more or less emotionally intact, let’s not f-ck up her life with Bucky’s brand of chaos. Also, real question, does she even know who Bucky is? I assumed so at first, but after re-watching the first episode I’m not sure she does. She seems to think his comment about being 106 years old is a joke. Either way, Leah has too much going on to get bogged down in Avengers bullsh-t. 

Ranking: Cinnamon roll, too pure for this world.

Sarah Wilson

Sam’s sister has no time for any of this bullsh-t going on, and she does not hesitate to let everyone know it. She has real problems in the real world, and she does not need Sam’s weird nemesis from Europe calling her and making veiled threats. I fully support an MCU in which various villains keep trying to drag Sarah Wilson into Sam’s fights and she hangs up every time. I like to imagine that the MCU is a world in which some people just don’t care about superheroes the way some people in the real world don’t care about sports. Sarah Wilson doesn’t have a favorite team, she’s got sh-t to do. 

Ranking: Leave Sarah Wilson Alone 2021.

 

Joaquin Torres

Sam’s Air Force liaison is another of those hot characters abandoned after episode two. I hope we get to see more of Joaquin Torres and his cute smile and lil forehead curl before this is all over. Also, that is a top-shelf superhero jawline. Get this man a suit and a codename STAT.

Ranking: Hot camp counselor.

Sam Wilson

That Sam doesn’t rank higher on this list is a testament to how not compelling FATWS is making him. The show has touched on some real issues around race in America, but it has, so far, done nothing interesting with any of it. That leaves Sam sort of hanging in space with interesting character development not quite coming together. Still, he has an A+ glower and he takes none of Bucky’s sh-t except for the time Bucky busted Zemo out of jail and Sam did absolutely nothing about it. He gets points for not being a chaotic asshole like everyone else on this show, but I can’t help but feel that also makes him a little boring compared to the others. He needs some of that potential character development to take hold and make him more than “the guy who said no to the shield”. 

Ranking: Hot substitute teacher.

 

Sharon Carter

Sharon Carter really said, “F-ck the Avengers, I’m gonna do crimes and throw parties.” When the Avengers left her out in the cold following the events of Civil War, Sharon chose chaos, which is the energy 2021 needs. She’s living the high life in Madripoor, fencing stolen art and looking fabulous. Who says crime doesn’t pay? Not Sharon Carter!

Ranking: Feral queen.

 

Zemo

On the one hand, Zemo is a mass-murdering f-ckhead. On the other hand, he has Daniel Brühl’s face and that coat with the fur-lined standing up collar. (Zemo vs. Strange collar off!) He’s also rich and has an ancient butler, so I’m pretty sure that makes him the MCU Batman. Daniel Brühl’s face aside, I am (mostly) ranking Zemo so high because he remains the only villain to really defeat the Avengers, and now he’s back with that good chaos energy we love to see. He’s just sipping champagne, destroying supersoldiers, and getting his groove on. You do you, Z, at least until Ayo catches up to you.

Ranking: Definitely gonna regret it, definitely gonna do it anyway.

 

Bucky Barnes

Bucky is GOING THROUGH IT and his #1 coping mechanism seems to be raining chaos wherever he goes. John Walker got him pulled out of court-ordered therapy to “help” with the Flag Smasher situation and Bucky promptly busted Zemo out of prison, which is an obviously terrible plan with countless downsides. Like if you don’t WANT to destabilize geopolitics, then maybe DON’T knock on Bucky Barnes’s door. Bucky’s actions basically guarantee no one will ever ask him for help again, which is some lowkey trolling I can appreciate. He will make you REGRET asking for his help, but he’ll look like a goddamn model while ruining your plans, your life, everything. A+ eye candy doing an F- job in the field.

Ranking: Pure chaos and unrelieved angst.

 

 

Flag Smasher #2

Once again, poor writing abandons this underdeveloped character in the land of no names, but good GOD look at those cheekbones! Flag Smasher #2 makes a BIG impression every time he’s on screen, between the cheekbones, the fantastic hair, and the Aussie accent (which is an automatic ten-point boost). I barely understand his objective or his stakes in the conflict, but I do so love it when he shows up on screen. Those cheekbones are the sharpest knives on the show.

Ranking: CHEEKBONES.

Ayo

The Dora Milaje have jurisdiction wherever the Dora Milaje find themselves, likewise, Ayo is the automatic hottest person in any room she enters. She had one line in Civil War and was so immediately, indelibly COOL that Ayo became an instant fan favorite (she has since gone on to appear in the comics). We can debate that disarming maneuver she pulled on Bucky—it’s definitely a violation of his bodily autonomy, but also, there’s no way Wakanda is letting vibranium weapons into the world that they don’t have some means of disabling, that’s kind of their whole thing regarding vibranium—but what is NOT up for debate is that Ayo is a stone-cold fox who can step on our necks any day of the week.

Ranking: The lone 10 in a roomful of 5s.