Review: Jon Favreau's The Mandalorian and Grogu is mostly about capitalism and a little bit about Star Wars

Hey friend, it’s been a minute since we’ve talked. How are you doing?

Yeah, fine. …Fine. I’m…fine. Everything is…fine.

You don’t sound fine.

Oh, you know, just sometimes, I have to, you know. Ponder the horrors.

The horrors?

Yeah, like, what are we doing here, what’s the meaning of life, why did Disney spend billions of dollars to buy Lucasfilm only to run it into the ground. You know. The horrors.

Well, that brings us to the topic of the day. I’m here to talk about The Mandalorian and Grogu.

[blank stare into the middle distance]

So, what is The Mandalorian and Grogu?

It is a feature film based on a TV show inspired by a feature film, all of which are designed to sell toys.

What is The Mandalorian and Grogu about?

Capitalism, mostly. Star Wars, a little bit.

Can you be more specific?

The Mandalorian and Grogu follows three seasons of the television show The Mandalorian and one season of The Book of Boba Fett. Din Djarin, a bounty hunter also known as the Mandalorian, is now the adoptive father of the adorable space booger Grogu, also known as Baby Yoda. They are recruited by the New Republic to find a warlord known as “Coin”. To get information on Coin, the New Republic must find and return Rotta the Hutt, son of Jabba the Hutt, to his siblings, a pair of twins. (The presence of Hutt children suggests the existence of a Hutt mother. I will have nightmares forever imagining a space slug birthing twin space slugs.) The Mandalorian reluctantly accepts the mission to find Rotta. The entire movie is a fetch quest for Rotta the Hutt.

That doesn’t sound terrible, is it at least entertaining?

Kind of, in the way deeply mediocre TV is entertaining. Except you’re not watching it on your TV, you’re paying money to sit in a theater and watch three episodes of TV stacked in a trench coat calling itself “Mr. Movie Man”.

It’s a flawed premise, I admit. But hey, new Hutts! What is Rotta like?

Rotta the Hutt has a six pack and a button nose. Rotta the Hutt is like if Jabba the Hutt looksmaxxed.

That…I don’t have anything for that. Can you tell me how this fits into the larger Star Wars universe?

That Andor and The Mandalorian and Grogu occupy the same narrative space is a sin against the gods. We have seen a brilliant light shine in the galaxy far, far away, but we have been left to stumble in the dark, groping for meaning in marketing exercises. The whole endeavor reeks of creative bankruptcy.

Yeah, it’s sounding pretty bleak. Is there ANYONE who might like this movie?

Everyone who yelled and screamed about The Last Jedi, The Acolyte, and Andor should be forced to watch The Mandalorian and Grogu with that Clockwork Orange eye-opening device. They should have to sit in the slop made to feed but not nourish them, they should bear witness to the terrible reckoning of utter mediocrity they have forced upon all of us.

What about Pedro Pascal? Is he at least good in this movie

For most of the movie he’s a trashcan with legs, but when the helmet comes off, yes, Pedro Pascal is good. It is a cold comfort in a film that otherwise fails to create any sense of wonder, thrills, or mystery.

Are there any facts about this film that might make it interesting to people?

Martin Scorsese is in it.

REALLY? That’s unexpected.

So is diarrhea.

Can you say ONE nice thing about this movie?

Eventually, it ended.

The Mandalorian and Grogu is now playing exclusively in theaters even though it feels like it should be on TV.