I’m having a hard time watching this season of Riverdale sober. Over the past few days, I’ve tried to catch up in preparation for its midseason premiere tonight and without the aid of alcohol, I only made it halfway through episode 9. Good lord, this show has gone off the rails from campy to straight up crazy. All of the problems I wrote about earlier in the season are SO MUCH WORSE except for two positives: Skeet Ulrich is back and just as dirty hot as ever and no one has said “jingle jangle” in at least three episodes. I’m also really into the Archie/ Veronica I Love You storyline because making two teens fight over those three little words is the most realistic thing Riverdale has done all season. 

Sarah and I were emailing about Riverdale yesterday, naturally, and while I was all-caps yelling about how much I don’t care about the Black Hood, she was defending the show’s use of high and low cinema references. Cool, I just want more teen make out scenes. This exchange basically sums up my friendship with Sarah. 

Despite its many disappointments, this season of Riverdale has yet to quash my obsession with Cole Sprouse. Even when Jughead is yelling at Tall Boy (I have no words for the Serpents’ dumb ass nicknames) and the rest of the gang of Mickey Mouse clubbers masquerading as Hells Angels, I’m still into him. 

Jughead Jones is taking himself way too seriously but Cole Sprouse seems to understand how absurd this show has become. During his appearance on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, Cole reduced Jughead’s aesthetic to “riding a motorcycle and wielding a switchblade.” He also promises the second half of the season will be Jughead “in a leather jacket, with a comb, on a motorcycle, one foot on either side of this impending war.” Who’s going to war now? What is happening? I don’t care. I do care about how HOT Cole Sprouse is during this entire Fallon interview. Sure, he’s ON the whole time, hamming it up to camera every few seconds but he’s a child star. I don’t think he’s capable of turning it off. 

Speaking of, I don’t like being reminded that Cole Sprouse is the kid from Big Daddy so it really didn’t help my crush guilt when Fallon showed a clip of the Sprouse twins 20 years ago while they were promoting Friends (you know, when Dylan and Cole played Ross Gellar’s son) as CHILDREN. Is this making you feel old? It’s my birthday week. It’s making me feel very old. Try to ignore the nostalgia and focus on Cole Sprouse’s hair. God, he’s got great hair. 


He also charms the sh-t out of this segment with Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin.