Shockingly, no one in this triangle with Michael Bae Jordan is me but only because it’s not a real love triangle. You know how people seem to think that Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper are f-cking? Their chemistry seems as contrived as two theatre kids who learned what falling in love looked like from High School Musical (so, fake as hell but also really doing it for me). I’m not buying the Gaga/Cooper narrative but MBJ and Tessa Thompson? THAT is chemistry. 

That suit jacket is doing inexplicable things to me. The only person he’s allowed to look at like that other than me and my future mother-in-law is Tessa Thompson. And I’ll only allow it because despite the expert-level eye contact and flirting, we know he and Tessa are not real. Tessa may still be in a super-private relationship with Janelle Monae and Michael is staying celibate until he finds his way to me. 


FINE, the latest MBJ gossip was that he and Kiki Layne were snuggly at Sundance. As Lainey predicted, even I can’t be mad at this because Kiki is delightful, stupidly beautiful and talented. Her first Oscars ensemble was *this close* to being my Best Dressed and coming out that strong so early means she’s got skill. I’m excited for her to become a red carpet staple. So, as much as I like Kiki, a piece of my soul did die at the account from Utah of her cuddling up to my man: 

“She would have her hand on the back of his head rubbing it as he whispered in her ear and [he] kept kissing her cheek.”

Go ahead and STEAL MY DREAMS, Kiki Layne! 

Tessa and MBJ presented together, while Kiki presented with Krysten Ritter. Tessa, MBJ, and Kiki all showed up to the Vanity Fair party – separately. If there still is anything going on with Kiki and MBJ, they would have been together at the party, right? We’ll be hearing about more head rubbing and whispering and cheek kisses soon then, right? I simultaneously hope I’m wrong and that I’m right. Please respect my privacy during this difficult, confusing and exciting time. 

In less conflicting MBJ Oscar night news, his official date was his mother. My future family is so cute. Let me have this. 


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