What’s another way of saying “dog owner”? Legally pets are considered to be property so, sure, technically Jacek and I are the owners of two dogs. But that doesn’t accurately reflect our relationship to our dogs. We don’t “own” them. We…share our lives with them. A toaster is my property. I don’t have feelings about my toaster. I have very strong feelings about my dogs. 

Anyway, since I am a person who lives with dogs (see? we need a new expression), I will click on most celebrity + dog stories and buy, when I can, celebrities + dogs photos. Like these ones of Tom Hiddleston, in London today, with his puppy…

We don’t know the name of the puppy, do we? All we know is that Tom was first seen with his puppy in November. To me, s/he looked about 12 weeks old at the time. Now, like a f-cking weirdo, I’m trying to zoom on these shots to see if it had a penis so I can use the right pronoun. Please let me know if you know whether Tom’s dog is a boy or a girl. For now, since my dogs are boys, and since I’ve only ever had boy dogs, I’m going to assume Tom’s is a boy and I’m going to call him Robert De Niro. 

Tom’s kept a pretty low profile for the better part of year. He wasn’t much of a presence on the Thor: Ragnarok press tour and while he did step out to promote Avengers: Infinity War, his schedule has been light. Which is an ideal time to bring home a puppy. Tom’s been able to be at home a lot with Robert De Niro. This makes me really happy even though it’s none of my goddamn business. I like the idea that Robert De Niro has a constant in his life. I wonder if Robert De Niro, like my dogs, has separation anxiety. 

As you can see, Tom is a responsible dog owner. He picks up after Robert De Niro. You would think this is automatic. But there are so many people with dogs who don’t give a sh-t and they’re the ones who give the rest of us a sh-t reputation. In my neighbourhood especially, so many assholes don’t f-cking pick up. It’s all over the beach. And I see it too. I see them walking and talking with their friends and their dogs trail behind and they get so caught up in the conversation they’re not paying attention and then the sh-t gets left there and when someone points out to them (me!) that they should f-cking pick up the sh-t, they roll their eyes like I’m the tight ass no fun police teacher’s pet. How is this my problem!? 

You know what else I appreciate here about Tom? His outfit. That’s an outfit every dog person recognises. You’re farting around your house, you haven’t showered, and your dog has to go, so you slip on the easiest pair of shoes and tie a jacket or a sweater around your waist either to cover up stains or to cover up the fact that you’re not wearing underwear and you head around the block. I don’t think I’ve ever liked Tom Hiddleston this much. And I really, really like Robert De Niro. He is SO cute.