Today in You Will Never Believe This news, it turns out that Tom Cruise, noted defender against coronavirus, cannot actually stop viral transmission with his bare hands. No! He cannot! Not even if he runs directly at it! This shocking and upsetting news comes to us as Mission: Impossible 7, which has been shooting since approximately January 3, 1872, shuts down production for two weeks following a positive COVID test on set. No one knows who, or how many, are involved in the outbreak, but since they had to shut down the entire production for “those involved” to self-isolate, you can make a pretty big guess! 


Of course, we all know that Tom Cruise, Protector of Hollywood, is very stringent about COVID protocols because of that time he berated crew members for breaking on-set protocols. That came during the fifth moon of the tenth cycle of the eleventieth year of production on M:I 7, a film some are calling The Neverending Story. We thought we were safe! We thought that Mister Tom Cruise had solved it at last, a way forward in this world in which a strange person yelling a lot is the key to stopping COVID in its tracks! Now that I know that it is still possible to contract COVID while working on a movie set that requires hundreds of people to operate, I do not know how to feel! Tom Cruise, come back and remind me that it is possible to feel whole in this world once again!

“I said what I said,” Cruise says


You have relieved my mind! And the minds of so many others! The sheer statistical inevitability of someone testing positive for COVID while making a giant movie with a huge cast and crew is no match for Tom Cruise’s determination that There Will Be No Shutdowns On This Production, Or Else. It is awkward that There Has Now Been One Shutdown On This Production, but surely there will be no more, not even as the production segues to Mission: Impossible 8, which is supposed to shoot back-to-back with M:I 7 in order to be released, hopefully, by the year 2070. If anyone can get through two huge productions without any further delays or outbreaks, it must be Tom Cruise. What even is the point of Hollywood if Tom Cruise cannot single-handedly prevent COVID outbreaks? Tom Cruise versus COVID, this is the drama everyone is watching!