Most people seem to agree that Buckingham Palace courtiers had no hand in the statement that Prince Andrew released on Saturday August 24, 2019, almost exactly two weeks, to the day and hour, after Jeffrey Epstein “died by suicide”. Not only because the writing is a mess (which is so very unroyal, non?) but because… well… this tweet says it all:

This is what happens when you think you know better than anyone else, when you think you’re above it, when you’re the kind of person who bitches about being held to a different standard than the PRINCE OF MONACO – but only based on how much you’re allowed to party and wish you could be left alone to party… with convicted sex offenders? Because that’s the underlying tone here in Prince Andrew’s letter. Like he’s being f-cking inconvenienced by everyone wondering why he’d be hanging out getting foot massages at the home of a man who served time for being a pedophile, on the books as a registered sex offender. Right from the very beginning, his letter reads like a sigh of frustration. It’s this sentence off the top:

“It is apparent to me since the suicide of Mr Epstein that there has been an immense amount of media speculation about so much in his life.”

What a drag, you know? That people dare to have questions about a man who somehow found himself in the company of some of the most powerful and wealthy people in the world alongside underage girls and then died in federal detention. What a goddamn drag to have to entertain the public and the media’s curiosity when we should all just be out here solving world hunger. 

And Andrew doesn’t seem to understand that this is making it worse, as he goes on to say: 

“This is particularly the case in relation to my former association or friendship with Mr Epstein.”

Which is it? An association or a friendship? There’s a difference. I’m associated with a lot of people. I have not gotten foot massages administered by young-looking Russian females while staying at the homes of my associates. I also don’t open the door while staying at their mansions. This, though, is how Andrew defines “association or friendship”:

“I met Mr Epstein in 1999. During the time I knew him, I saw him infrequently and probably no more than once or twice a year.”

Any time you have to use “probably”, it’s not a good look. But, sure, even if we were to go with this version of their “association or friendship”, the implication being that they weren’t that close, here’s the very next sentence: 

“I have a stayed in a number of his residences.”


You say didn’t see much of him…but when you did see him, you spent time at all his properties? And at one of those properties, you were caught on video answering the door?! Prince Andrew was raised in the most exclusive, privileged environment in the world – and he’s poking his head out the door of his “associate or friend’s” door, like a butler, while girls are coming and going…and we’re expected to believe they weren’t close?


Then he tries to explain why he was seen with Epstein in 2010, which is AFTER Epstein was released from prison as a registered sex offender:

“I have said previously that it was a mistake and an error to see him after his release (Lainey note: a mistake and an error are the same thing) in 2010 and I can only reiterate my regret that I was mistaken to think that what I thought I knew of him was evidently not the real person, given what we now know.”

You think you thought what you think was what you thought in thinking what you thought… WHAT?! What kind of sentence is this? 

Also... “given what we now know” is what you ALREADY knew. Because, remember, in 2010 Epstein had already pleaded guilty and served time for solicitation of prostitution and procurement of minors. NO BIG DEAL. 

That’s followed by words of sympathy that mean f-cking nothing when he thinks what he thought in thinking what he thought about his friend being a registered sex offender and a known pedophile before closing with this:

"This is a difficult time for everyone involved and I am at a loss to be able to understand or explain Mr Epstein's lifestyle. I deplore the exploitation of any human being and would not condone, participate in, or encourage any such behaviour."


A person who’s a registered sex offender being accused of sex trafficking and recruiting girls to be his sex slaves isn’t doing so because it’s a “lifestyle”. WTF? This makes it sound like for Prince Andrew, pedophilia and veganism are the same thing. You’re on a plant-based diet? Oh yeah, my friend only f-cks minors. You two should meet!

How can there be any sincerity in “deploring the exploitation of any human being” when you just called what Jeffrey Epstein did a “lifestyle”?

And yet… 

I’m glad he did. I’m glad he got no help in writing this letter, that in his letter he showed his ass. Because it’s telling. It’s insight into what Prince Andrew would have thought of Jeffrey Epstein and the perversion that surrounded him. According to Andrew: 

“At no stage during the limited time I spent with him did I see, witness or suspect (Lainey note: there should be an Oxford comma here) any behaviour of the sort that subsequently led to his arrest and conviction.”

I mean, he’s getting foot massages from Russian girls while in the home of a convicted sex offender and pedophile so… clearly…whatever it is that he saw didn’t bother him. Is it really about seeing nothing then? Or is it more about seeing a lot but not considering that what he saw was offside? THAT might be the most disturbing thing of all. 

Two final notes – Prince Andrew claims that he met Jeffrey Epstein in 1999. New flight logs that have just been released show that he was on Epstein’s private jet in February of 1999 leaving Epstein’s private island, known as “Pedophile Island”, and some are noting that that’s early in the year to have just met someone and then, so soon, be on their jet and spending time on their island. But flight logs also show that Sarah Ferguson, with daughters Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie, met Epstein almost a year earlier in April 1998. How likely was it that Fergie knew Epstein before Andrew knew Epstein? 

Also… this shambolic letter still doesn’t address The Photo: Prince Andrew’s arm around then 17-year-old Virginia Roberts Giuffre as Ghislaine Maxwell, Epstein’s alleged madam, hovered nearby. What did he think he thought he was thinking when he thought about that?!