Tom Brady: QB1 to cliché

Is there any single celebrity man who is more DIVORCED than Tom Brady? And has anyone ever been more fun to be embarrassed for than Tom Brady? Embarrassment, typically, isn’t an enjoyable emotion. But being embarrassed for Tom Brady kinda feels… good.

Here’s a recap of Tom Brady’s streak of embarrassment. He fumbled Gisele Bündchen after deciding to come out of retirement. The comeback flopped. She, meanwhile, did not look back and is now remarried with another baby and living her best life while Tom posts awkward thirst traps on Instagram as his face looks weirder and weirder. Like so many other celebrities and the obnoxiously wealthy, Tom was in St Barth’s for New Year’s, and made headlines after being seen at a party with Alix Earle and she was touching him in a way that suggested that was carnally familiar. This is what everyone is talking about but what not enough people are talking about is how he’s moving his body to the music.

Maybe people don’t want to talk about it because he has no rhythm, to the point where it’s almost gross, and when you see a man fail at dancing and you’re speculating whether or not he might be f-cking, all that adds up to is bad f-cking.

But the main point here is that Tom and Alix might have f-cked on New Year’s. He’s 48, she’s 25, and the math is math-ing for those who learned math taught by middle-aged divorcés. Alix is benefitting from it more than he is, obviously. Her IG was flooded with comments after TMZ broke the story and, as an influencer, she’s making the most of it, as she should. Same goes for her family members, which include her father, Thoms “TJ” Earle and his wife, Ashley Earle, née Dupré.

This is for those of us who are old enough to remember. Those of us who read Gawker and Jezebel. Those of us who can recall the gossip before TikTok ate the brains of a generation. Tom Brady is now two degrees of separation from Ashley Dupré.

I don’t know what he has to gain beyond the respect of Leonardo DiCaprio and the cohort of older men who consider nubile young women to be trophies – but then again, I guess that’s the opinion he most values. Which is why, again, it’s been so fun to not be part of that community and clown him from the poor seats.