Not a Smurf, Not Yet a Woman

July 12, 2013 16:25:48 Posted at July 12, 2013 16:25:48
Dean Posted by Dean

The new video for Britney's Ooh La La has just been released. Is it good? Not exactly. Is it weird? Definitely. Does it feature a Smurf dance crew? Indeed. The question that remains unanswered though is - will this girl ever dance again?

Madonna once sang to her successor, "C'mon Britney, lose control. Make the music dance." Well, she actually took that first part pretty seriously and literally lost control of her whole damn life via that conservatorship. But what about the dancing that Queen Madge ordered, and that she used to be so f*cking spectacular at? If even the Smurfs can dance, why can't Britney?

What actually does happen in this video is bizarre and intended to be family oriented. It begins with Britney on a movie date with Sean Preston and Jayden to see The Smurfs 2, naturally, the movie she recorded this song for. Then, from inside the movie, the famously anti-Semitic Smurf villain Gargamel zaps Britney onto the screen and into Smurf Village where she spends the rest of the video not doing choreography and interacting with CGIs.

It's supposed to be cute and exciting that we're seeing Sean Preston and Jayden's video debut and getting to watch Britney in mom mode. The first teaser image for this video was a screen shot of the three of them. While I guess that is the most headline worthy element, it really ignores the cynical and sympathetic lens we can't help seeing Britney through. We're all glad she's got her kids and everyone's safe, but we know too much about her problems for this family snapshot to inspire any kind of "awwww" moment.

I guess the inclusion of her kids is supposed to be the tradeoff for denying her fans the true Britney video experience - one that until recently would include iconic moves like the Oops I Did it Again "hand heart beat" or the Slave 4 U "orgasm shuffle." Since Till the World Ends though, her moves have been devolving into that thing where she basically just stands there and stumbles from pose to pose. I guess I can't really blame her then for being unwilling to log any rehearsal hours at Millennium Dance Studio for this cash grab of a single.

In lieu of dancing, the two most important takeaways from this video are 1) The Smurfs movies are f*cking weird! Are there grey emo Smurfs now? I'm so out of smurf with this franchise 2) Britney's acting while being zapped by Gargamel is the best, rewatch it and just try not laugh.

(Lainey: I still can’t tell her kids apart.)

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