The Shallows: Mimi version

July 6, 2016 20:38:56 Posted at July 6, 2016 20:38:56
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Yesterday a reader called Jessie sent me Wesley Morris’s review of Blake Lively’s The Shallows for The New York Times. It is a hilariously bitchy piece of writing. Wesley was initially excited about going to see The Shallows. Because… he thought the star of The Shallows was Kate Hudson. I know! It’s the f-cking snarkiest premise for a critique!

Anyway, Wesley realises about 4 minutes in that Kate Hudson is actually not in the movie and then proceeds to judge the movie based on the fact that he would have preferred to see Kate Hudson in the part instead of Blake in her “strategically only part-way zipped wet suit”. And by beautiful coincidence, 10 minutes later, I came across these shots of Mimi in a “strategically only part-way zipped wet suit” while on holiday in Capri...

And then I realised what The Shallows should have been.

The Shallows should have been about Mimi vs the shark.

You’re saying now that Mimi could never ride a surfboard. Well…exactly. That’s how the shark is able to bite her. She falls off the surfboard. You’re saying that Mimi could never swim to the rock. Yes, but she’s a butterfly – she floats! She floats there! And then all she has to do on the rock is STAND. That’s most of the movie anyway! Standing on the rock. And while Mimi can’t walk, she can stand, she knows how to stand. And pose. So the rest of the movie is just Mimi posing on the rock and singing to the oceans until her fellow dolphins hear the sound and come to rescue her. Because if you’re a Mimi scholar, you are well aware that Mimi and dolphins are family.

Remember this?

And this?

And have you seen this?

I would watch that movie.

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