Amber Heard went out the other night. She made a point of covering up one of her hands. Apparently there was a ring on her engagement finger. Again, she went out of her way to hide it, even getting the valet to open the car door so that she wouldn’t have to expose it. And now several mainstream outlets, including PEOPLE are speculating that Johnny Depp gave it to her…with a proposal.

WHAT THE F-CK are you playing at here Johnny Depp?

Her obvious camouflage shenanigans are one thing. His asking for her hand in marriage is another – if  that’s indeed what this is – example of what an embarrassing cliché he’s become. Let’s turn 50, break up with the mother of my children for a much younger woman, gift-wrap a career for her, and ask her to marry me.

Maybe it’s nothing. Hopefully it’s nothing. Hopefully it’s just Amber Heard being Amber Heard – equal parts Mrs Timberlake, with some Kardashian, and maybe a little Jennifer Love Hewitt. Again, how is that on the level with Ryder, Moss, and Paradis?