You’ve probably heard about this already so let me just give you a quick rundown. On July 4, I Can’t Ariana Grande hit up a donut shop with her new boyfriend and was caught on camera licking a few donuts and maybe even spitting on them when the staff wasn’t looking. The police are now investigating because those donuts were not pulled off the shelf. I Can’t was also rude to the employees and overheard sh-tting on America:

“I hate Americans. I hate America.”

Were you an asshole when you were a young adult? I was an asshole between 15 and 22. I mean I’m still an asshole now, but you’re a particular kind of asshole at that age. Here are some examples of me being a f-cking asshole:

-I stole from my parents.
-I stole from clothing stores for no other reason than to show off that I could
-I chose my boyfriend over my mother
-I got drunk at my friend’s house and we decided to put pee in her neighbour’s mailbox (there’s a whole backstory to this but, really, it’s no excuse)

This post could easily be 2000 words long if I itemised all the asshole things I did during those years. Would the me of back then have licked and/or spit on a tray of donuts in a donut shop? Probably not because I love donuts and I would have stolen and eaten them instead. But I did some sh-t, you know? And the difference between me and I Can’t Ariana Grande? Eventually I paid for it. For a few years there afterwards, those were some humbling, humiliating times. That humiliation illuminates what an asshole you were. The illumination, however, doesn’t often happen to the I Can’t Ariana Grande, child stars, of the world.

What bothers me most about the I Can’t Ariana Grande donut incident is the apology that came after:

I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my country. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has one of the highest child obesity rates in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should have known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words. - Ariana Grande

This little punk…

Once again, a celebrity offers an apology that doesn’t start with I’m sorry. Instead, it starts with self-victimisation: her privacy was violated. And because it was violated, the comments were taken out of context. Like it’s possible to take “I hate Americans” out of context.

The “I’m sorry” only comes in relation to a “choice of words”. So she’s not sorry about being a c-nt to the staff. She’s not sorry about horking on the donuts. She’s just sorry about the fact that she didn’t read her thesaurus.


Then she goes on to pretend to care about obese children. And it becomes an NBC The More You Know moment with I Can’t Ariana Grande on the importance of dietary choices. You really think I Can’t Ariana Grande has any f-cks to give about childhood obesity? This girl who hopes all her fans f-cking die? The same one who makes them wait for 4 hours and then breaks her heart?

You think I Can’t Asshole actually cares about overweight kids?

I’ll be an asshole right now and get smug about this whole situation. Because I have never when it comes to I Can’t. There was never any doubt that I Can’t Ariana Grande is a dick. And she’ll continue to be a dick. Unless Mother Justice, Taylor Swift, takes it upon herself to set her straight.