Even when I’m 90 I will still know every single word to this song. New Order’s Bizarre Love Triangle, obviously. Substance! God, that album. For an entire year, I used to get ready to Thieves Like Us, pretending I was Molly Ringwald.

Anyway, Brandon Flowers (you didn’t think I would start the week without him, did you?) is continuing to tour the UK – The Desired Effect topped UK sales charts in its first week – and performed last night in Manchester…with Bernard Sumner. So, yeah, whenever I get this way I just don’t know what to say.

And to answer your question, about whether or not the news of him keeping his beard trimmings in a bag killed my crush (click here if you missed that)… that would be NO. Definitely not.

I LOVE talking about my poo. You think body sh-t grosses me out? I’m all about body sh-t. One my favourite things in life is watching zit-popping videos on YouTube. A couple of weeks ago Duana got me on this AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING app where doctors exchange photos of medical problems with each other and share consultations. We spent an entire afternoon going back and forth obsessing over the craziest pictures. Like you would not believe how the human body can mutate. You would not believe what can come out of a shoulder. Or an anus. You would not believe what grows on cysts!

Wait. Before you ask me what it is, I need you to understand that the things you see on this app you cannot UNsee. Some of you might not be able to get out of bed ever again. Some of you will be irrevocably changed. If a little detail about beard trimmings is freaking you out, this sh-t is NOT FOR YOU.

Here’s Brandon at a meet and greet the other day in London. He has such great teeth.