I’ve not yet seen Fifty Shades Darker. It was supposed to be a night out with friends and we’d all get drunk and laugh throughout the movie but we couldn’t get our sh-t together and then forgot about it the next week. The movie is making good money at the box office but it’s not doing as well as the first. So by the time the third one comes around, how many people will still be paying attention? And will Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan still be paying attention?

They second and third installments were filmed at the same time. Which means, technically, they don’t have to see each other again until next year, the work is done. And it seems like no one is more over it than they are. Jamie Dornan was probably over it as soon as he started working on the first movie. And now, what’s left is the embarrassment of having to be associated with the movies – and each other – for the foreseeable future.

So here they are, presenting together, and doing all they can to beat down the Christian Grey Anastasia Steele illusion as hard as they can:

There’s not only no sexual chemistry here, they’re actually trying to tell you that if you see any sexual chemistry you’re a sick f-ck because these two are more like brother and sister. She’s being annoying just to annoy him. And he gets back at her by mocking her outfit.

Is her outfit really that bad?

I don’t hate it. It’s Gucci. She’s worn a lot of Gucci. This is not my favourite Gucci on her but, at the same, it’s not Alessandro Michele’s intention to be a favourite – or, specifically, the kind of “favourite” that ends up being associated with, say, an Elie Saab dress. I mean, he gave Nicole Kidman a dress with TWO PARROTS on each shoulder at the SAG Awards. Alessandro Michele is not here to make the MiniVan Majority’s best dressed list. So it’s not like Dakota Johnson thought that, in choosing this dress, she’d make the MiniVan Majority best dressed list. She chose it expressly to piss you off. And this is what she brings to Anastasia Steele (at least what I saw of her in the first movie) that makes it even more obvious that Jamie Dornan is a lacking counterpart to her charisma. She’s giving that character a lot more depth than the character was originally created with. Unfortunately he can’t do the same with his.