Same career, same prospects, pretty much the same dress. Sure they might be different shades, and there’s a neckline variety here and there but really, between the cut and the material, and who they are, there’s nothing that distinguishes the Jessicas Alba and Biel. It’s literally a wash. A sateen wash. 

Shelfy’s sateen is worse than Alba’s. Shelfy’s sateen is taking the light and turning it into lumps. We know her body is crazy. But this Ralph Lauren, it’s not doing the job, and it’s making her look cheap. Go to the dress barn right now, I promise you’ll find the same in a different colour. Like lavender or champagne or some sh-t. For reals.

Alba’s sateen isn’t so bad, I guess, because it’s being pulled in one direction. Alba’s problem however is the makeup and the severe middle part with those two flapper lumps on either side of it. Elongates her face and forehead. And you know, it takes effort on her part to smile like she means it so when she’s all pouty and drawn, she looks extra gaunt. Therefore old. 

So we’re even. 

But at least the Alba showed up there on her own. Biel can only get in with a cling pass off her boyfriend’s ticket. 

Alba wins in a photo finish. 

Photos from and Larry Busacca/Stephen Lovekin/TIMOTHY A. CLARY/