A reader called Sarah emailed me a link to Johnny Depp’s LA apartment this morning. The penthouse is 11,500 square feet with 9 bedrooms and 14 bathrooms. An 11,000 sq ft apartment! My entire house is smaller than one of the bedrooms! Anyway, Johnny’s listing it for $12.7 million. So…what does it look like?

Well, as Sarah observed, it’s exactly what you’d expect it to look like: super arty and not very comfortable. I would be afraid to be alone in this place. I certainly would not want to have dinner there. Look at this dining room. At least I think it’s a dining room:

Do you want to sit on those chairs? Do you want to enjoy a meal on those chairs? When I sent this to my friend Lorella, here’s how she described those chairs: “they look like the kind of chairs used for the interrogation of terrorists”.

And a dining table top made of tiles doesn’t seem super practical. I would want to stab myself if the plates kept going off-balance from the grooves. Practicality, however, doesn’t seem to be the point here – both for dinner and for his life. If this is where he and Amber Heard spent time during their relationship, I can see why it didn’t work out. Feng shui is really important in a home. In particular, the dining table can hold a lot of good luck – or back luck. The dining table is for family. A dining table that’s not smooth? With so many breaks on the surface? Even if they’re in straight lines by design, it also means there’s not a lot of flow, which is directly related to harmony. It was evidently not a harmonious relationship.

Click here and here if you have the money to buy. Or to see more photos of the apartment.