It turns out I wasn’t specific enough on Friday when I hoped that Julie Bowen would stay away from taffeta. I should have also have included ruffles. Too late.

She took all the ruffles.

She took all the ruffles and forced them to f-ck like rabbits and they multiplied – in pink! – all over this dress. The ruffles are still having sex. It’s like more of them keep growing. It’s like sick ruffle porn. Make it stop.

Did you see her interview on E! with Guiliana Rancic? I think it was Guiliana. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what she said about not being able to breathe from the tightness of the gown. This is where you lose me. Because if you DON’T EAT and you still can’t breathe, why not just eat and not be able to breathe? If in depriving yourself of food you still have to be that uncomfortable, what’s the benefit? To me there’s no benefit, especially not when ruffles are humping each other all over your body.