There is no dress that was as bad as Justin Timberlake last night. No outfit as hideous as his behaviour. No hairstyle as goddamn f-cking heinous as his need not only to make himself the story but to make his story part of everyone else’s story too.

And it’s amazing to me, AMAZING, that there are people out there who are still not on to him. That don’t know, they have no idea, that he’s a f-cking parasite and has been from the very beginning. That he grows off everyone else. He grew off his bandmates, he grew off Britney, he grew off Janet Jackson, he grew off Cameron Diaz, he grew off Timbaland, and even after he grew so big that he’s now self-sustained by his own stardom, he keeps looking for opportunities to suck off anyone and anything around him so that he can keep growing.

It started from the moment he arrived last night. Gets out of the limo and immediately began twitching. HE TWITCHES. Like it’s either his arm jerking or his leg jerking or his hips jerking or his head cocking – Justin Timberlake walks around with all kinds of trucker hat punk spasms as if to say that, yo bro, I’m in motion all the time, I’m so creative it just takes over my body.

It’s the first time I’ve been able to put my finger on the douchebag way he moves around. And it was my friend Dylan who summed it up with his imitation. JT doesn’t walk. He pops and locks his way down a red carpet. And all over a photo wall.

There they are, Justin and Jessica Biel. And she’s in a SPECTACULAR dress. The best dress she’s ever worn. I mean it’s outrageously good, this dress. Guess what happened?


This. OF COURSE.  

Justin Timberlake poses behind Jessica Biel at the 2017 Oscars

They’d been there for all of 3 minutes. Poppin’ and lockin’ though! Already poppin’ and lockin’ because he couldn’t stand that his wife looked so good she was making everyone bug out their eyes.

A few minutes after that, they walk past Emma Stone being interviewed. Guess what happened?


First of all, obviously, get the f-ck out of that shot, f-ckface. But it’s almost worse what he does next. Because Jessica, she kinda wants to stop and have a few words, you know, since her husband just decided to be an asshole and maybe she could have smoothed things over. Nope.

Only he says when they stop and who they talk to. When she wants to stop and talk, Pop and Lock kicks in and yanks her by the arm and doesn’t look back. Let’s go! Poppin’ and lockin’ gotta keep movin’! And they’re off.

That’s Jessica Biel’s life. Being dragged away so that Pops and Locks can take over someone else’s interview. Until they stop for their own interview…

This fool.

He can’t even let Robin Roberts finish up. He won’t give her the courtesy of wrapping up, WHICH IS HER JOB. Oh no. He has to compliment Robin and his wife, “the two hottest women”… and proceeds JUMP IN FRONT OF BOTH OF THEM.

I just played that for Duana. Who’s been raging about him allllll day. Right now, she’s probably cranked up more on the JT hate than I am. And as soon as I showed her that moment, her response, “He has NO CHILL. It’s all he knows how to do: jump around and mug. I blame his mother. It’s her fault. She kept telling him he was cute.”

And I’m not even done yet. Because he wasn’t done yet!

As I predicted, JT opened the show with several minutes worth of poppin’ and lockin’ down the aisle of the theatre like we were back in 2003. After that, child, he could not sit in his seat. Every time anyone from La La Land won, once again Justin Timberlake is poppin’ and lockin’ his way into the aisle, blocking the actual award winners to congratulate them so that he could be part of their moment.



By the end of the show you would have thought he’d co-produced La La Land and written the music. By the end of the show, I was convinced Justin Timberlake would be poppin’ and lockin’ his way up the stage, accepting on behalf of La La Land AND Moonlight.