The one thing I ask of an unauthorized Britney Spears biopic is that it accurately captures how much Brit’s hair is an indicator of her state of being. Of course, there’s the head-shaving incident but aside from that pivotal moment in pop culture history, Britney’s hair has always told her story. We know this. Lifetime knows this.
The trailer for Britney Ever After (obsessed with this title) dropped yesterday and it teases what looks like a glorious retrospective of the various stages of Brit’s weave devolution. It starts with the long, lush blonde Slave 4 U era Britney who wooed the world but a mere 8 seconds in, we see a glimpse of the razor. I actually panicked when I heard the sound of the blade like it was happening all over again. Next month marks the 10 year anniversary of that moment. If you thought time would help people forget about that infamous night in 2007, you thought wrong. It’s the focal point of the trailer and even though Australian actress Natasha Bassett NAILS Spears’ signature Southern twang, the eerie razor sound is the most memorable part of the 30 second clip. Seriously though, the way this woman says “wasn’t” and “you know?” exactly like Britney Spears is f-cking uncanny.
Aside from the hair, it looks like Lifetime is going to tackle the other moment that will forever define Britney’s legacy – and the one that gave my ex Justin Timberlake indefinite relevance. Lainey mentioned the moment last week and made all of our Mondays: the dance-off. It’s the only piece of gossip I remember trying to re-enact every day at school for almost a full year. The trailer only gives the tiniest hint that Budget Britney and Budget Justin will recreate the club dance battle but of course they will. They have to. Otherwise, what is the damn point of an unauthorized Britney Spears biopic? I could watch a 6-part docuseries on that dance-off.
The biggest Britney gossip moment missing from the trailer is the Vegas wedding to her childhood friend Jason Alexander. Should I be proud or ashamed that I didn’t have to Google that dude’s name just now? There is a wedding though. We should have known Brit’s relationship to K-Fed wouldn’t last when she married him as a brunette. Never trust a Britney in a busted brunette weave. Full disclosure: when Britney and Justin were together, I was at the height of my JT fixation and consequently, I never liked Kevin Federline. But K-Fed was great for gossip so naturally, I can’t wait to see it all play out again on screen. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this down to hate-watch a Lifetime biopic. Also, Federline is being played by a guy named Clayton Chitty. I’m just going to leave that there.