How many times did Maggie Gyllenhaal refer to “my brother” when she was up there accepting her Golden Globe? A lot.

That made me wonder…

What does it take to pass the Maggie Gyllenhaal Test? If you want to be with Jakey, you have to pass the Maggie Test. Who, then, failed the Maggie Test? Did Reese Witherspoon? No drama there. They were seen greeting each other pleasantly during commercial break. But that’s Hollywood, non?

For civilians, you go out of your way to avoid running into people you’ve had sex with. I occasionally have to do this at work because there’s a semi-regular guest on one of the other shows in the building who banged me in high school. High school! I was 16. And still, still I don’t want to face that.

If you’re a celebrity though, you can’t avoid it. In fact, you head towards it. Because it’s not like you can’t go to the Golden Globes, right? There’s Owen Wilson watching Kate Hudson, thinking to himself, “Yeah, we used to do it”. There’s Jennifer Aniston looking at Vince Vaughn up there all, “Yeah, I straddled him once on a balcony in Chicago and we totally used to do it”. There’s Keira Knightley – and possibly Sienna Miller – sitting in their seats as Jamie Dornan is presenting, perhaps remembering how he used his Christian Grey kiss moves on them too.

Anyway, back to the Gyllenhaals and the Maggie Test…

Did you see how she could barely contain her disdain for Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet? Could you feel her, um, edge during her acceptance speech? That’s what I mean about the test. This woman has no patience. I would be afraid. Just like I’m afraid to say this:

That dress was gross. And the shoes were worse. They were dark pink. And satin. And I don’t, I don’t know why Maggie Gyllenhaal, who was my Best Dressed at the Globes five years ago – click here for a refresher – has been a mauve-coloured satin mess.