Let’s check in with Michael Bay, who’s had a big summer with two awful movies performing mediocrely at the domestic box office, only to skate to success on the back of an expanding Chinese market hungry for any output at all!
Hey Michael! How’s it going, buddy? Been a good summer for you—somehow despite making two terrible movies no one likes you’ve made money!
Michael Bay: [finger guns] Pew pew!
That’s good to hear. Listen, Martin Lawrence went on Conan last night and pretty much announced that you guys are going to make Bad Boys III, over a decade after Bad Boys II. Is he telling the truth?
Michael Bay: [double bird] Truth is the way of the 21st century samurai and I am a legend master!
Yeah, we know the English language is still slightly beyond your grasp—we’ve all heard what passes for dialogue in your movies. I just want to know if Bad Boys III is really happening, because you know—Bad Boys and Bad Boys II are classic Awful Action Cinema, and Bad Boys II was the last time I actually enjoyed one of your movies.
Michael Bay: KA-BOOM [explosion noises]
I’ll take that as a yes. I mean, you’ve recently said you likely won’t direct Transformers 5: The Transformering so you can focus on other projects, and Jerry Bruckheimer has talked about wanting you to direct Bad Boys III.
Michael Bay: Jerry Bruckheimer can lick my Truck Nutz!
Err… So is that a no, then…?
Michael Bay: Haha, I love Jerry! And I love Truck Nutz! I should send him a basket of Truck Nutz. I’ll have my assistant do it as soon as she’s done polishing my Lambo with her tits.
That’s not—listen, let’s get back to Bad Boys III. Yay or nay?
Michael Bay: [rock music, air guitar]
I’m taking that as a yes, you’re making Bad Boys III. At least it isn’t more “incomprehensible robots hump-fighting in the streets”. Nice chatting with you, guy.
Michael Bay: [laser gun sounds]
(Lainey PS. I can never turn off Bad Boys or Bad Boys II on television. EVER.)
