The Royals Season 1, Episode 6 recap

Ophelia’s father, Ted, returns this week. He’s the head of security and he sucks at his job so much that I can do this entire recap as a list enumerating all the ways in which he sucks at his job. We’ll start with Simon’s solo nighttime prowl and I’ll reiterate again that Prudence the murderous maid is being victimized by Cyrus into stalking the king. I can only assume that the world within the show is a world with no crime, because Simon wanders around London alone at night with not a single security person anywhere to be seen—TED YOU SUCK AT LIFE—and no one attempts to accost him or anything. He even tells Prudence that he sometimes rides the tube which…: How does no one ever recognize him? He’s the king! And yet he moves around London, alone and undisturbed. I don’t understand this—the only explanation is that there is no crime that is not being committed by Cyrus.

Ted also sucks at controlling his staff. Jasper has applied for a transfer since he lost his edge with Eleanor, and the queen snaps him up, putting him on her staff. Ted calls Jasper into his office and has the balls to say, “I’m the head of the king’s security, I know some things.” What?! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. You don’t know about Cyrus or Prudence or Jasper sex-blackmailing Eleanor! Ted reveals that he knows about Jasper’s shady past—the Las Vegas grafter thing is true—and that the queen is having him investigated. Jasper is under investigation for treason and he’s STILL ON THE SECURITY STAFF. Ted, you are useless.

I do like the way that Helena calls Jasper “Bodyguard”. Elizabeth Hurley relishes her soapy lines and it’s one of the few highlights of this show. With Jasper under her thumb, she bones him, naturally. Chalk this up as another thing Ted won’t know, though Simon sees Jasper leaving her room, so that could be troublesome as obviously this will spur Simon back onto the path of abolishing the monarchy to spite his wife.

Ophelia, Liam, Eleanor, and their various hangers-on are in Monaco for the weekend, and the only security with them is Marcus. So Eleanor shakes her bodyguard and then he applies for a transfer and Ted doesn’t think to send someone to Monaco for Eleanor? He seems aware that there was something shady between Eleanor and Jasper and yet he’s like, Whatever, I’m sure Marcus can handle it down there all by himself. Does Ted only have the two security guys? Is the entire palace security staff just him, Jasper, and Marcus? This would fit with my “no crime” theory.

Everything that happens in Monaco is completely ridiculous. Liam and Ophelia have the world’s least exciting, least sexy mini-break. Liam’s limp-noodle levels are at “overcooked macaroni” throughout the episode. There’s a subplot about winning back Ashok’s new car—a Maclaren a thousand times sexier than Liam—after Gemma loses it during a game of poker that is the stupidest thing I’ve seen in recent memory. The only good part of the Monaco plot is that Eleanor reconnects with an old flame, Beck. He’s a friend of the late Robert and he’s cute and nice, so he goes the way of Regular Guy Nick and is gone by the end of the episode so that Eleanor can go back to being a full-time twat.

Why does anyone put up with Gemma? She’s a terrible person, she knows she’s a terrible person, and yet she keeps being terrible. I get why the fake York princesses—whose names I can’t remember so let’s just call them Huey and Louie—are tolerated. They’re related to Liam and Eleanor, so they HAVE to tolerate them. But no one has to tolerate Gemma, which she realizes at the end of the episode and stays behind, hopefully mercy-killing the subplot where she tries to sabotage Ophelia. Dame Joan Collins is in next week’s episode—maybe she can do us all a favor and mercy-kill this show.