When Lainey teased that Céline Dion would be releasing a new promo for her gender neutral kids’ clothing line where she gets thrown to the ground and handcuffed by police, I was worried this was going to be Celine’s Kendall Jenner Pepsi moment. Celine’s full ad is here and thankfully, it’s not offensive. It is, however, INSANE.
In true Céline Dion form, she’s doing the MOST and making the LEAST sense. The promo starts with the clip released yesterday of Céline getting arrested, then it cuts to “one hour earlier” where we see Céline walking through the halls of a maternity ward of a hospital. Céline’s strut is accompanied by the most ridiculous, nonsensical, self-righteous voiceover that is proof that sitting beside Céline at a dinner party would be insufferable and AMAZING at the same time.
“Our children... they’re not really our children as we are all just links in a never ending chain that is life.”
Who said it? Céline Dion or that white guy with dreads in the corner of the party getting high and attempting to be Woke?
Céline finds the newborn baby section of the hospital, separated by gender with pinks and blues. She blows some goth fairy dust on the nursery and everything goes black and white as Céline frees these children from the constraints of our heteronormative, patriarchal society! We get a glimpse of a baby in a onesie and that is the only time we see the clothes Céline is trying to sell. Then we’re back to Céline’s big arrest because you can’t just break into a hospital to style some babies without consequences, even if you are CÉLINE DION, BREAKER OF GENDER CONSTRUCTS. The punchline of the commercial is Céline dropping her name to try to get out of handcuffs, and an eye-roll inducing line about Beyoncé that I’m going to ignore. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH HER CLOTHING LINE?
Listen, I like the idea of doing away with the pink and blue gender stereotypes we impose on kids from birth and I think more clothing lines should be gender neutral BUT what is this ad? What is happening? When it’s Céline Dion, should we even be asking these questions? Should we just let her power through halls in power suits saying “I’m Céline Dion” doing whatever the hell she pleases? Yes. Of course. Keep doing you, Céline.
The line is called Célinununu (it’s a partnership with kids wear brand Nununu) and the prices range from $31 (a hat) to $447 (a leather jacket). Oh, so this gender revolution is for the goop set. Got it.
If nothing else, Céline’s acting in this clip is a great case for her getting her own cop drama on network television. She’ll be like Bones or Castle or one of those sh-tty detective shows they keep making with mediocre white men at the centre. Please give Céline a TV show. It won’t make any f-cking sense but it WILL be entertaining as hell.