You MIGHT say that this is just a trailer for Charlize Theron’s next movie, The Old Guard, a comic book movie about a small group of immortal badasses who kick major ass. You might ALSO say that Highlander is just a movie, and not, in fact, an instructional manual for how to survive the centuries as an immortal. We’ve already established that there are three (3) confirmed time travelers who got trapped in the past, and now we are FINALLY getting confirmation that yes, immortals do walk among us. I have long suspected Charlize Theron is an immortal because she DOESN’T F-CKING AGE, and now she is just admitting it and “playing” an immortal in a movie, which is a great act of trolling.


Time travelers trapped in the past are relatively easy to spot because they’re light-years ahead of their peers in imagination and experimentation (we’re still at least 100 years behind the world Nikola Tesla imagined, it took Western civilization over two hundred and fifty years to catch up to Leonardo Da Vinci, and we still haven’t achieved the social harmony Lincoln was aiming for). Immortals are harder to identify, though, because some people just have really blessed genetics—jury’s still out on Paul Rudd, he might just be lucky. Charlize Theron, though, is a pretty obvious case. It’s not just that her visage is unchanged by time, it’s that she appears to be GAINING strength as the years go on, as if she has already defeated several other immortals in hand-to-hand combat and absorbed their life force as her own.

This is why it’s particularly frustrating that George Miller is going to recast the role of Imperator Furiosa for a Mad Max: Fury Road prequel. He doesn’t want to use de-aging technology, and so he’s looking for an actress in her twenties to take over the role. First of all, Charlize IS Furiosa. It’s like recasting Neo or Tony Stark (lol good luck, Marvel). And you don’t even need to de-age Charlize Theron to play a character in her twenties. Furiosa is covered in grease and face paint anyway, so if you DO feel the need to “cover” some “imperfections” like face lines—of which she has like, two, the makeup does it for you. I don’t understand the point of this, it’s so dumb. And sexist. And ageist. And dumb. Anyway, The Old Guard looks cool, it will be on Netflix in July, and Charlize is now openly trolling us with her immortal status. 


This post is brought to you by thank god it’s Friday, I need a f-cking break.