Do you watch Judge Judy? If you say no, Lainey and I would say you are missing out. Judge Judy is a no-nonsense woman who gets paid (a lot) to yell “baloney!” and ask people if they think she’s stupid.
I like Judge Judy for the same reason I like advice podcasts and columns (like Lainey and Sasha’s What’s Your Drama, Daniel Mallory Ortberg at Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding with Nicole Cliffe, Heather Havrilesky for Ask Polly): there is something satisfying about hearing that people’s f-ck-ups are universal and that there is a way out of them, a fair and equitable solution for most scenarios.
Advice givers are the grown-ups in an emotionally stunted world. They offer comfort and a steady hand, a final word we can trust. You want someone with a strong opinion to give advice and who has stronger opinions on everything from turkey dinner (she hates it) to Housewives (she loves them) than Chrissy Teigen?
Chrissy’s Court will be on Quibi, a new mobile streaming platform launching in 2020 with 10-minute “quick bites” (Get it? Qui-bi) and is backed by Jeffrey Katzenberg, stacked with executive talent and has already raised $1 billion in funding. Names attached to it include Jennifer Lopez, Guillermo del Toro, Sam Raimi, and Antoine Fuqua. They’ve got cash and they are ready to spend it.
Chrissy’s Court is the perfect mobile offering, isn’t it? I just got back from the eye doctor, it was an incredibly long appointment and I would have definitely watched 10 minutes of Chrissy’s Court. She wants all of our petty problems – disputes over a fence, fights over Playstations (it’s always a Playstation), damage deposits and car titles. I want to hear Chrissy’s take on Craigslist roommates in a dispute over a water bill – tell us what to do, Chrissy!
And Chrissy won’t be there alone, she will have her sidekick, her mom, Pepper, who will be working as a bailiff. Yes, Pepper will be to Chrissy what Byrd is to Judge Judy, an iconic duo.
As mentioned, we have to wait until 2020 for this to premiere, but I have some suggestions based on her social media feed. Instead of a judge’s robe, Chrissy should just wear a terrycloth robe (if you follow her on Instagram, you know she lives in a towel). Pepper can take as many selfies as she wants and live-tweet the cases. If Pepper is away, Luna is the back-up bailiff. John can score the entry music. And, most important, Chrissy needs to start mitigating disputes online. Really, as the Mayor of Twitter, she should have been doing this all along. Now it’s the law.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, SMALL CLAIMS COURT JUST GOT A LITTLE MORE PETTY pic.twitter.com/M1SjOeJGy1— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 23, 2019
my mom is the bailiff and I cannot wait for her to say “HEY YOU TALK TO THE JUDGE NOT EACH OTHER” and basically take selfies the entire time— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 23, 2019
if you’re mad about some petty ass shit and wanna take that person to court, you let us know— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 23, 2019