Dear Gossips,

Today in I Can’t Know How To Hear Any More About Drake news, Drake’s new album, Iceman, is coming out on May 15. This was confirmed after his ice block stunt in Toronto, which I bet was annoying for people in Toronto.

I’ve seen the traffic in Toronto. It’s diabolical. It’s a circle of hell Dante could never dream of. The last thing Toronto needs is spectacle creating looky-loo slowdowns.

The last time I paid any attention to Drake, Kendrick Lamar was dragging him through a public humiliation ritual via rap lyrics in their feud circa 2023-24. The feud, by the way, has a Wikipedia page complete with “chronology”, “verdict”, and a “parties” key like it’s the Battle of F-cking Waterloo. This is probably why Drake did the ice block challenge. It’s attention economy bullsh-t, like Lainey said, because Drake needs attention that isn’t Kendrick-related. Coincidentally, I heard “Squabble Up” in a sushi restaurant bathroom this week. Kendrick strikes from all sides, though he is not releasing a competing song called “Fireman”, that’s a hoax.

What isn’t a hoax is that Drake seems to be picking a fight with Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams, who took on the nickname “Iceman” last season after a string of improbable comeback wins. Drake was seen earlier this week by his ice stunt in a Green Bay Packers jacket. The Packers are the Bears’ archrivals. It’s all very Heated Rivalry but deeply unsexy and tragically straight.

Now, Caleb Williams is lame because he tried to trademark “Iceman”, which is already a famous movie character and the nickname bestowed on any sport boy who keeps it together through a tough period. But Drake is lame because of picking fights with football players over an extremely basic nickname. I would understand more if Drake’s new album was named after something more unique, something more distinctly Drake, like “Bad Taste House” or “Toronto Traffic King” or “Kendrick Lamar’s Chew Toy”. But he chose “Iceman”. Every third man alive dreams of being nicknamed Iceman.

People accuse Taylor Swift of being basic, and in a lot of ways she is, but she’s better at performing “basic” than anyone. It’s a key piece of her tremendous success, she performs basic so well that even as she reached billionaire status, began dating a champion football player like the homecoming queen she always wanted to be, and headlined one of the biggest tours of all time, she still seemed relatable to fans. In every way that counts, Taylor Swift is NOT relatable, but she performs basic white girl so well she SEEMS relatable despite massive success.

Drake, in contrast, is bad at performing Not Basic. He is basic, his music and his taste in interior design reveals his basicness, but he tries so hard to be Not Basic. He can’t pull it off. His basic ass tendencies will always prove out. He can stunt all he wants, he can pick weird fights with football players—who, I assume, he is counting on not clapping back via decisive lyrics—but his album is still called Iceman. Kendrick had the whole world singing “Tryna strike a chord and it's probably A minor”, and Drake came back with “Iceman”.  

We only recognize one Iceman in this house, babes, and he’s engaged in a homoerotic spiral with his rival, not whatever that is with Caleb Williams.

Live long and gossip,

Sarah

 

Photo credits: Angela Pham/BFA.com/Shutterstock

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